“Many aspects of a relationship occur on a subconscious level. Think about the qualities you adore about your partner that you struggle to articulate, the genuine chemical bond you both share and those times when you simply feel completely in tune with each other—these are the things that hold significance on a profound, emotional level.”
Have you ever felt like your partner could read your mind, found yourselves completing each other’s sentences, or even walking, talking, and acting in similar ways? If you have, it’s a sign of a strong and deep bond—whether you’re newly involved or have been best friends since childhood—and it has a name: mirroring.
What is mirroring?
Mirroring is a subconscious behaviour that can create a sense of comfort because humans are evolutionarily inclined to be drawn to people who are similar to them. When used consciously, it plays a significant role in getting to know someone and establishing a mutual level of comfort. While mirroring is often discussed in the context of business interactions and pushy salespeople, it also applies to personal relationships. When it occurs subconsciously, it distinguishes a strong friendship or love from others.
How can it be beneficial to your relationships?
Nonverbal communication is crucial, and we’ve consulted an expert to dissect the psychology behind this concept. Simply put, mirroring involves matching someone’s behaviour, such as their voice, words, or non-verbal cues (like gestures, movement, and body posture). This mirroring can occur, especially between two people of the same gender, where individuals might even match pitch, tone, blink rate, and breathing. In this discussion, we will delve into the occurrences of mirroring in a relationship, how it can affect your bond positively or negatively, and when it could indicate issues in your partnership.
How and When Does Mirroring Happen?
It’s the process of, either actively or subconsciously, replicating another person’s behaviour. Take a job interview, for example. If you’re nervous, you might be inclined to avoid eye contact or act a little closed off. However, if you attempt to mirror your interviewer, you’ll come across as confident and form a connection with the person you’re speaking to—which will, in turn, help you feel more comfortable. You might seat yourself in a similar posture, or scratch your arm when they reach up to scratch their eye, creating a connection between you non-verbally.
And of course, it plays a role in those first romantic meetings, too! “When you’re trying to pick someone up at a bar, it’s an intentional technique,”. “You might observe how a person is standing and moving, then implement the same movements and posture to signal that the two of you are similar, which implies that you belong together. In the basic landscape of any relationship, we’re drawn to the feeling of being in sync.”
What Can Mirroring Teach Us About Our Romantic Relationships?
If you’re in a long-term relationship, mirroring isn’t an active practice as much as it is an outward reflection of your connection. “For an established relationship, mirroring is something that happens naturally,”. “If you and your partner are holding hands and walking down the street, you are most likely walking on the same foot at the same speed.
You’re in tune with one another and matching your partner’s gait—that’s mirroring.” Mirroring causes a flood of what we call “love chemicals,” a burst of good feelings that make you feel closer to the other person, strengthening your bond and contributing to the solid foundation a lasting relationship needs.
Can Mirroring Help Signal Relationship Challenges?
Mirroring can help you get to know one another early on, but once you’re beyond the honeymoon phase, it should be organic. Not feeling it? Use this as an opportunity to take a look at where your relationship stands. “For example, if you and your partner used to hug very closely—with your bodies touching, rubbing one another’s backs—and now you’re only hugging with the tops of your body, you’re losing intimacy. It’s a signal that something is off in your relationship,”.
Ask your partner if they’ve noticed a change in your rapport with one another. “If you both notice the disconnect, you’re in a position where you can work together to rebuild it,” she continues. “Whether it’s a romantic relationship or a friendship, I always start by encouraging a pair of people—people who are both interested in rebuilding the rapport—to sit in the same position and look into one another’s eyes for three full minutes.”
Yes, that’s a long time to stare at your partner, but it’s also rebooting that mirroring. “You’re sitting in the same posture and looking at one another at the same time, which causes brain chemistry to get going again. It’s an unconscious feeling of rapport, but one that’s set up consciously.” Why does it work? “Gazing at one another like that creates a vulnerability that few of us are willing to open up to. That vulnerability is the difference between wanting to and trying to fix your relationship and saying ‘Well that was fun’ and calling it quits.”
How Can You Use Mirroring to Build Strong Bonds?
When it comes to marriage, you and your partner might already be subconsciously mirroring one another, but that’s not the only relationship you need to build. You’re also in a position where you’ll be building connections and bonds with other people in your partner’s life—namely your in-laws.
“The first time you meet your mother-in-law, for example, spend the first few minutes listening actively. Get rid of your filters and your own ego, and try to step into her shoes,”. “If you can get out of your own way, you’ll get a feel for her and may be able to automatically regulate your behaviour and posture to get into a rapport with her.”
It takes practice, but active listening will clue you into the language she’s using or the way she’s sitting, and you’ll be able to start to connect. “When we talk about rapport-building, it’s all about helping Person A (in this case your mother-in-law) become so comfortable in his or her own skin that Person A can really open up to Person B (that’s you!), and then Person B becomes comfortable and creates a bond.”
How Can Mirroring Go Wrong?
Sounds great, right? Like just about everything, mirroring does have a downside—which brings us back to that pushy salesperson. “Mirroring can also be manipulative, which is why you might feel uncomfortable if a salesperson starts acting like you to make the sale,”. Yes, we’re designed to be drawn to people who are like us, but we also all have that gut feeling of when someone is building false confidence and trying to get us to do something we don’t want to do.
“If the other person’s mirroring isn’t leading you to a comfort zone, but instead leading you somewhere you don’t want to be, that’s a red flag,” she continues. “They’re making you feel like you need to like them, instead of like you want to. Mirroring should help to get you out of your shell early on, but once you’ve shared any sort of intimacy with one another if your non-verbal actions aren’t matching and instead the mirroring is being forced, that’s a sign that you’re probably not meant to be together.”
