Discovering that your partner has cheated can be painful and overwhelming. However, how you respond can influence the outcome for yourself. Here are some things to avoid when dealing with infidelity:
1. Don’t ignore the infidelity
It may be tempting to pretend nothing happened because it feels less painful, but doing so can cause any resentment you feel to grow and fester. Additionally, it will prevent you from addressing the underlying problems in the relationship. It is crucial to understand the meaning behind infidelity, as it often reflects the level of satisfaction within the relationship.
2. Don’t blame yourself
If someone cheats on you, it is not your fault. You are not responsible for their actions, and you did not “deserve” it. If your partner chooses to cross boundaries instead of communicating their needs or ending the relationship, that is their responsibility, not yours. However, if you want to salvage the relationship, it is worth trying to understand those needs and see if you can meet them, provided they are also willing to do the same for you. It’s empowering to recognize what happened, why it happened, and what your role was in the situation. Just remember, do not blame yourself for someone else’s bad decision.
3. Don’t try to get “even”
It might make you feel better momentarily to trash your no-good cheating partner on social media, or to go Carrie Underwood on them and trash their car. (OK, that one might make you feel better for more than a moment.) You might even get a rush from cheating on them too. But “evening the score” is what opposing teams do, not two people who ostensibly love each other and are both dedicated to recovering from one person’s violation of the other’s trust.
4. Don’t bring up the infidelity to “win” unrelated arguments
As sex therapist Vanessa Marin has pointed out, “The fact that he cheated doesn’t give you the right to berate him endlessly or use his infidelity as a weapon in every argument. If you want to move on, you need to be willing to let it go.” This means that when you’re discussing an issue, like not informing him that you would be out of town with friends all weekend, you shouldn’t say, “Well, at least I didn’t cheat on you.” While it’s important to address your feelings about the infidelity, resorting to petty comments when you know better doesn’t benefit anyone.
5. Don’t rush the healing process
Your partner’s betrayal can cause deep and lasting pain for various reasons. It’s essential to be patient with yourself as you work through these feelings, and it’s important to communicate to your partner that they also need to be patient with you during this process. “It’s crucial for the person who had the affair to understand that their partner is devastated and that rebuilding the relationship will be challenging,” says Irstein. “There will be many questions, and sometimes the same questions will be asked repeatedly. This is part of trying to rebuild their understanding of both the partner and the relationship, and it’s normal to feel shocked.”
Yes, you could eventually realize that you’re not able to let go of what happened and that you need to move on from the relationship but in the meantime, don’t rush yourself. If your partner is getting frustrated with answering the same questions and having the same conversations, question whether they’re really as committed to regaining your trust as they say they are. It might be time to put their things in a box to the left.
6. Don’t shy away from professional help
“Very often, [infidelity] is the thing that really brings people to a therapist’s office” when they could have benefitted from being there long beforehand, Irstein says. Yes, it can feel scary and messy to analyze your fury/guilty/shame/embarrassment/sadness while sitting next to the person who triggered it. However, a therapist can give you both tools for establishing healthier styles of communication. This is your shot at a new relationship with the same person don’t be afraid to call in a pro. And trust, they have already seen it all.
