I’ve been engaged for a little over a year now, and during this time, many people have asked me questions like, “When are you two getting married?” or “Where will the wedding be?” However, the question that surprises me the most is when fellow Christians ask, “Why don’t you and your fiancé move in together before getting married? You know, just to see how it goes.” They seem to think that this will help us determine if we are compatible.
I understand their reasoning, but I don’t believe it aligns with God’s principles and standards for relationships. Living under the same roof as my fiancé could not only harm our relationship with each other but also strain our relationship with God. The good news is that God provides us with clear biblical guidelines and principles to help us build healthy dating relationships. Here are a few reasons why moving in with your girlfriend, boyfriend or even your fiancé has the potential to destroy your relationship:
Temptation to Compromise
The biggest danger for an unmarried couple moving in together is the reality of ongoing temptation. The act of sharing a roof is not necessarily sinful, but the motives and desires behind the decision can be, but that’s for God to weigh. Remember, the heart is deceitful above all things (Jeremiah 17:9). Living together places you in a vulnerable and compromising situation, drastically increasing the chances of sexual sin. How?
First, you are spending a lot of time alone with no accountability. Second, you have strong emotional and physical desires for your partner. Third, it’s hard to “flee temptation” when the person you live with is the one causing your temptation. Consider the following questions when deciding whether you should move in with your partner before getting married:
– Is it wise (according to God’s standards) for my partner and I to live together?
– Is it beneficial for our relationship? For our purity?
– Are we glorifying God by living together?
– Are we being examples to others by living together?
Answering some of these questions with honesty will bring a lot of clarity. Also, Ephesians 5:3 reminds us that there shouldn’t even be a hint of sexual immorality among believers. Living together is already beyond a hint.
Context Matters
While sex is a beautiful thing, God created it to be enjoyed in the right context, that context being a marriage between a man and a woman (Genesis 2:24). Being in love or “committed” to each other or even engaged for marriage, are not reasons to justify having sex, let alone living together.
The issue is not necessarily the act of “living together” in a relationship. The real problem is sexual immorality, which is more likely to occur when you share a living space with your partner. Sex should not be viewed as a casual experience meant for experimentation while figuring out if someone is the right match for you. It is a sacred bond in which a man and a woman become one flesh and one entity in God’s eyes. This connection is intimate, and special, and should be exclusive to the person you choose to commit your life to—not just a boyfriend, girlfriend, or even fiancé.
By the way, being engaged is not the same as being married. Many justify sex because the ring is on the finger, but I’ve seen engaged couples call off their weddings, so were they fully committed to each other when you are engaged?
Building a Healthy Relationship
Living together is not the best way to determine compatibility; in fact, it can potentially lead to a toxic relationship and displease God. In contrast, a healthy relationship is built on a spiritual foundation where clear boundaries are established to uphold God’s standard of purity. With God at the center of your relationship, you create a safe environment to explore each other’s interests, passions, hobbies, and faith. While romance is a part of it, the focus should be on building a strong friendship with your partner. This doesn’t mean the relationship will be perfect; we all have our shortcomings.
However, having a Christ-like attitude toward each other and learning to communicate, resolve conflicts, and spend time together are all key factors in helping you determine compatibility. But above all, how your relationship brings glory to God is the most important factor to consider.
