All That You Need To Know About Intentional Dating

In today’s world of online dating and disappearing without a trace, intentional dating stands out as a deliberate approach that encourages singles to date with purpose and, as the name suggests, intent. This style of dating isn’t about amassing matches or scheduling numerous fleeting encounters; it’s about prioritizing quality over quantity and depth over breadth. According to marriage therapist and Chispa relationship expert for Match Group, Gabriela Reyes, intentional dating involves courting someone with a specific purpose in mind. It’s about seeking meaningful connections with a clear idea of what you want and, just as importantly, what you don’t want.

This mindful approach to romance isn’t just a trendy hashtag, though; it’s a beacon for anyone in search of a substantial relationship in the digital age. With the modern dating landscape often feeling like a sea of endless options but shallow connections, intentional dating is all about ditching the game-playing for genuine conversations, swapping superficial swipes for real sparks. That’s why Reyes says the key to mastering this courting technique is simply to “be aware of and understand what you want shortly and where your motivations lie.”

With all this in mind, if you’d like to take a purposeful step towards cultivating your ideal connection, or if you’re looking for ways to make sure the person you’re with is on the same page as you, here’s our complete guide on intentional dating. Even though the concept of intentional dating isn’t exactly new, Reyes says it is becoming more accepted as dating has evolved. In a world where situationships, friends with benefits, and no-strings-attached relationships are the norm, more daters want a way to avoid unnecessary heartbreak (and potential wasted time) by making their intentions clear from the get-go.

“Intentional dating came from a big lack of understanding about intentions in the dating world for many years,” she explains. “There was (and still is) a sort of shame around openly admitting that you’re seeking a committed relationship.” And while the idea of ditching the games and being upfront about what you’re looking for in a relationship might seem scary, Reyes says the benefits are undeniable and plentiful—not only for you but for your potential partners as well.

“When dating intentionally, we have a sense of awareness, and therefore give that awareness to potential partners,” she adds. “It creates a safe space for both people to pursue each other while being well informed. You can then be your most authentic selves while feeling safe. The more understanding you have about your situation, the safer it feels to be yourself and explore the relationship honestly.”

In addition to setting the foundation for authenticity from the start, one of the biggest perks of intentional dating comes from the awareness you gain about yourself in the process. “You’re giving yourself a chance to really figure out what you want,” Reyes says. “This forces you to get to know yourself at a deeper level, and it can create a purposeful deep dive into your wants, needs, and fears.” Exploring these aspects of yourself can lead to a more fulfilling dating experience and, ultimately, a deeper, more meaningful relationship.

While the idea of being more forthcoming in your romantic pursuits sounds pretty straightforward (albeit a bit anxiety-inducing), Reyes notes that intentional dating is going to vary from person to person. “Our intentions are different, and therefore the way we date will follow suit,” she explains.

That said, when embarking on this dating experience, the first step is to figure out exactly what you do (and don’t) want by writing out a list describing your ideal partner, advises Reyes. “In this list, include your non-negotiables (what you need from a partner without a shadow of a doubt), your flexibles (the things that are important to you, but they can be flexible if one or two are missing), and your most basic, superficial wants (here is where ‘tall, dark, and handsome’ fits in).” This will help you get to know yourself and prevent you from entering a relationship with someone who might be missing key qualities you need.

If this concept sounds vaguely familiar, you’re likely thinking of the Gen-Z term “hardballing,” which is where you make your romantic intentions very clear from the get-go—oftentimes before the first date. This might mean saying how many dates you’ll go on before being intimate, what your long-term intentions are, or what you’re looking for in a partner. Sure, while hardballing—or intentional dating, in general—might feel too extreme for some (which is okay), Reyes says that, when done correctly, it can be a healthy and effective way to communicate your relationship goals. For example: “There is no need to tell your first date that you’re ready for marriage and babies,” she explains, “But you can let them know that you’re looking for something serious.”

Diving into the world of intentional dating isn’t just about landing the right partner; it’s about setting the stage for meaningful connections by being your most authentic self. Here’s how to date with intention and find exactly what (and who!) you’ve been searching for:

Set Boundaries Like a Pro

“Making time in the dating process to focus on yourself through self-care is the best way to be authentic, keep your boundaries in place, and communicate expectations clearly through actions and words,” advises Reyes. Whether it’s journaling your thoughts, moving your body, dressing up for yourself, or indulging in romance novels, these acts of self-care empower you to maintain your boundaries and articulate your expectations with confidence. Remember: Setting boundaries is not just about saying “no” to what you don’t want but also about saying “yes” to what you truly desire.

Plan Out Future Conversations

Since it can feel a little daunting to spell out your intentions on a first date, Reyes suggests pre-planning what you’ll say to future partners. She advises something like:

“I’m open to getting to know you and seeing where this goes. While I do want a relationship eventually, I don’t know you well enough to say I’m seeking that with you specifically. I’m not, however, wanting a casual hookup.” 

On the flip side, you might also say something along the lines of:

“I’d like to get to know you and spend time together, but I’m not looking for anything serious shortly.”

By declaring your intentions and boundaries from the get-go, you’re not just saving time—you’re elevating the whole dating experience. This method is a salute to both your values and the precious tick-tock of your clock, while also giving a respectful nod to your date’s outlook. It’s the foundation for a connection that’s not just real, but really understands the assignment: mutual respect and understanding, right from the start.

Cultivate Open and Honest Communication

In the dance of dating, honesty and openness are your best moves. “You’re more likely to create space in your life for intentional dating. You’ll have more conversations about it, you may journal about it, or write it out in the notes of your phone. The space you’re giving this is essentially a space for you to get to know yourself better,” Reyes reflects. By nurturing a culture of open communication, you invite potential partners to truly see you, fostering connections that are grounded in mutual understanding and respect.

Managing Rejection With Grace

Rejection, while never pleasant, is an inevitable part of the dating journey. Reyes reminds us, “It’s normal to feel a little sting when you’re rejected. Problems arise when thoughts start to spiral.” Instead of dwelling on what might have gone wrong, remind yourself that attraction is a mysterious force, often beyond our control. Shift your perspective and remember, “Attraction is a strange thing, and we often have very little control over it.”

Stay True to Your Values

In the pursuit of love, it’s easy to lose sight of our own values and principles. Reyes encourages daters to stay true to themselves: “Don’t be scared to make your intentions clear. If it scares someone away, they are unlikely to be good for you in the first place.” This boldness not only weeds out those who aren’t aligned with your values but also attracts individuals who appreciate your honesty and clarity.

Embrace the Journey

Lastly, intentional dating is as much about the journey as it is about the destination. Embrace the process, with its ups and downs, as an opportunity for personal growth and self-discovery. Each step you take is a building block towards not just finding love, but also enriching your relationship with yourself.

In an age dominated by fleeting connections, intentional dating stands out as a purposeful path to meaningful relationships—whatever that looks like to you!