Controlling behaviour in a relationship can severely damage the connection between two people, eroding respect and trust. This can ultimately turn what was once a beautiful and pure bond into something frustrating, unhealthy, and alarming to stay in. To maintain a happy and balanced relationship, it’s important to understand, accept, and respect that every individual is different. You should want to be with them for who they are, instead of fantasizing about an idealized version of them created in your mind.
It is also equally important to understand why some people display control and dominating behaviour and practical ways to confront it. If you are someone who is in a controlling and manipulative relationship, here is the perfect opportunity for you to get to the root of it and get practical solutions for how to effectively take care of it while also ensuring that you respect the feelings of your partner.
Why do people try to control and change their partners?
There have been several detailed psychological studies and research conducted that have discovered that controlling behaviour manifests itself from deeply rooted psychological issues as well as works as a coping mechanism for unmet needs in a relationship. While these issues can be highly subjective for every individual, let’s discuss some common reasons for such behaviour;
Anxious attachment styles in a relationship
There are various attachment styles, with some common ones being secure attachment, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, and disorganized attachment. Anxious attachment can lead to controlling and manipulating behaviour. Individuals with this attachment style may try to exert control in their relationships, believing it will help them maintain stability. They may struggle with healthy expression and communication due to fear and difficulty.
Unrealistic expectation
In this era of social media and modern cinema, the expectations are standards are starting to get highly unrealistic and difficult to meet. Individuals, easily influenced by them might attempt to change and shape their partners into an ideal version which in truth, does not exist! They might believe that this is the ultimate way to achieve happiness in their relationship which in reality does nothing but sabotage it further.
Past trauma and abuse
Individuals with a background of trauma and abuse in their past relationship or even in life in general such as childhood abuse, neglect, witnessing domestic violence or traumatic loss might have adopted the mentality of having control over their partner as a way of protecting themselves and to cope whenever they feel threatened.
Low self-esteem and insecurity
One significant and commonly identified reason for controlling behaviour is the feeling of insecurity in individuals. People with low self-esteem growing up may see having control over their partners as a way to seek security, confirmation, and reassurance of love. Such individuals might make unreasonable requests of their partners to test if they still love them, and perceive any refusal as a sign that their partner no longer loves them. They might use phrases such as ‘if you love me you would…”
Now that we have gotten an in-depth inside into the reason behind controlling behaviour, it is essential to identify the subtle but crucial signs that highlight a partner might be trying to change or control you. Here is how to identify set red flags behaviour;
Attempts to keep you isolated
Isolation tactics are a subtle but powerful tool ultimately leading them to achieve 24-7 attention and making you somewhat dependent on them by steadily making you limit your interaction with your loved ones. This can involve pressuring you to always spend time with them, creating unnecessary drama and conflict preventing you from hanging out with your friends and family.
Criticism in the name of concern
Another sign of a potentially unhealthy relationship is receiving constant criticism from your partner. They may constantly critique aspects of your life, your will, your choices, your appearance, or your behaviour in an attempt to mould you into their ideal version of you. While they may claim that this criticism is a form of caring and that they want you to improve, the reality is that they are seeking to exert control over your life by slowly and subtly damaging your self-esteem.
Ignoring your boundaries
Your partner might frequently try to push your boundaries, not respecting your personal space. This can manifest itself in the form of forcing and emotionally manipulating you to do things against your will. Pressurizing you to spend more time with them, always calling and texting you and dismissing your preferences. Dealing with such challenging and controlling behaviour in a relationship can be difficult and requires significant attention and being thoughtful in your approaches, making sure of both of your well-being as well as ensuring not to be harsh and disrespectful to your partner.
To regain control of your life here are some practical tips to follow;
Set clear boundaries
Clearly and assertively defining your boundaries and letting your partner know is an important step in regaining your control communicate politely yet family mention what you are comfortable with and what notes for instance if you require time and personal space for yourself make this needs more to your partner make sure to not let these boundaries be crossed and be consistent in them.
Foster your independence
While it is good to be dependent on a healthy need for each other, it is equal or rather more important not to let your individuality be at stake. Focus on becoming more self-reliant and confident in yourself by making time for yourself. And perusing your individual goals, passions and hobbies. Being self-reliant, both emotionally and financially is how you regain control of your life.
Seek professional help if the need be
Talking to a professional such as a relationship counsellor or a therapist can be highly beneficial in challenging situations like this. They are specialized individuals who can help you and your partner understand the relationship dynamics better and offer specific techniques and strategies to help cope with controlling behaviour as well as help you build stronger self-esteem and confidence in yourself.
Also dealing with a partner who exhibits controlling behaviour can be challenging yet crucial for maintaining a happy and healthy relationship. It is very important to have mutual respect and set clear boundaries. By getting support, establishing healthy boundaries, and embracing and fostering individuality, it is possible to improve your relationship dynamics while achieving a perfect joyful condition with your partner.
