When one partner is driven by a need for connection and the other a need for distance, the push-pull relationship takes hold. While this explanation may sound simple and straightforward, being caught in such a relationship rarely is.
That’s because this push-pull behaviour between two romantic partners is often driven by a host of underlying issues. Ranging from problematic attachments styles to fear of intimacy on part of one and fear of abandonment on the other, low self-esteem, among others. So, you can see how this hot and cold, close and distant dance can take a toll on the minds of those caught in this toxic relationship dynamic.
To make matter worse, the push-pull relationship cycle plays out on a loop. This leaves both partners with no respite from the constant pressure, uncertainty, and conflict. If you feel as if there is an unhealthy amount of pursuing and chasing involved in your dynamics with your partner, pay attention to what a push-pull relationship is all about and how you can overcome it.
A push-pull relationship begins like any other. Two people meet, they feel attracted to each other, a relationship ensues. In fact, the honeymoon period of such relationships is typically marked by an intense passion. However, as the relationship begins to settle in a rhythm, a yearning for distance on part of one partner triggers fear of loss and panic in the other. The push-pull relationship cycle begins.
In such a relationship, one partner displays classic traits of a commitment-phobe and actively avoids intimacy, which the other partner craves. The partner who is trying to avoid intimacy may become withdrawn and cool off the enthusiasm and passion they displayed early on in the relationship. They may start devoting more time to individual interests and hobbies or makeup excuses to not spend time with their SO. This causes the other partner to feel upset, confused, and insecure about being abandoned.
The panic created by these feelings, then, drives them to go above and beyond to pull their drifting partner closer. They may try to entice them by paying more attention to their looks, complying with their every ask, or nagging them for their indifference. The response of the puller builds up pressure on the pusher, prompting them to become even more withdrawn. The push-pull behaviour isn’t essentially a one-way street. Both partners may switch between the roles of a pusher and puller in the relationship, making the dynamics far more complicated.
What Are The Signs You Are In A Push-Pull Relationship?
As is the case with human relationships, push-pull dynamics are riddled with myriad facets and complexities. The specifics of such a romantic partnership notwithstanding, it can be said with certainty that it’s a toxic relationship to be in.
To be able to free yourself from the throes of a panic-ridden relationship, you need to understand the push and pull couple meaning. If you’re looking for tell-tale signs of a push-pull relationship, know that it is marked by 7 distinct stages:
Stage 1: The Pursuit
In this stage, a person – typically someone who grapples with low self-esteem and fear of commitment – finds themselves attracted to someone. They decide to pursue the other person. They may put on a show to hide their latent insecurities and try to portray themselves as charming, generous, kind, and sensitive.
The person being pursued may play hard to get. A behaviour that stems from their fear of loneliness and abandonment. While this person fears being vulnerable, the attention they’re receiving makes them feel good about themselves and work well for their low self-esteem.
Stage 2: Bliss
The relationship starts on a high note, marked by an intense passion and pull between both partners. Both partners enjoy the excitement and want to spend every waking moment together. Physical intimacy is hot and fiery too. However, there is one aspect lacking in this otherwise seemingly perfect relationship – emotional intimacy.
That’s because both partners steer clear of cultivating healthy communication in the relationship. This is one of the tell-tale signs that a push-pull relationship dynamics is taking hold.
Stage 3: Withdrawal
At this stage, one partner starts to feel overwhelmed by the intensity of the relationship. Particularly, if they feel that the intimacy between them is starting to run deep. This person would want to break free or at the very least do everything in their power to dial back on the intensity. As a result, they may become withdrawn, distant as well as physically and emotionally unavailable.
Stage 4: Repulsion
Another clear sign of a push-pull relationship is that once the withdrawal begins, the other partner takes on the role of the pursuer, driven by a latent fear of abandonment. They will go the extra mile to get their partner’s attention and affection. However, this has the opposite effect on the partner who is engaging in withdrawal. This person – the pusher – then enters stage 4 of the push-pull relationship, where they feel repulsed by their partner.
Stage 5: Distance
The puller or the pursuer decides to take a step back at this stage. That’s why spells of physical and emotional distance are an unmistakable sign of push-pull relationships. The decision to distance oneself from their partner without push-pull relationship breakup stems from the fear of abandonment.
This person already fears being left behind or alone, so they take a step back to protect themselves and minimize the hurt of a heartbreak if the relationship came to an end. However, the same fear of abandonment doesn’t let them be the ones to call it quits.
Stage 6: Reunion
Now, that the pusher in the relationship has got the space they needed, they start viewing their relationship positively again. They start craving their partner’s presence and start pursuing them all over again.
From profuse apologies to showering them with gifts, they’d stop at nothing to win them over. The erstwhile puller lets the pusher back in, albeit reluctantly because they desire feeling wanted and loved.
Stage 7: Harmony
The relationship goes through yet another blissful spell of peace, happiness, and harmony. The pusher is content that the relationship didn’t become too intimate or serious. The puller is pleased by the fact the relationship didn’t end. As soon as things start becoming intense again, the pusher will go into withdrawal.
If you look closely, stages 6 and 7 are identical to stages 1 and 2, except for the fact that here a person isn’t pursuing a potential love interest for the first time but trying to win the affection of someone they’re already in a relationship with. Since, these stages operate in an incessant loop, like a hamster running on a wheel, people become addicted to push-pull relationships before they can even identify their toxicity.
How To Overcome The Push-Pull Relationship Dynamic?
Stress, anxiety, clingy behaviour, dented self-esteem are just some of the fallouts of a push-pull relationship. Surely, these things aren’t good for you. So what can be done to remedy the situation? Is a push-pull relationship breakup the only way to protect yourself from the potential damage of such dynamics?
More importantly, can you really be sure that a breakup is for good when you keep doing the on-again-off-again dance? If not, how do you save yourself from getting addicted to push-pull relationships? And do so without ending things with your partner?
Here are 9 actionable tips that can help you overcome the push-pull relationship dynamic without having to say goodbye to each other:
Recognize the real problem
When both partners in a relationship have divergent needs and outlooks, it’s easy to fall into the trap of viewing your SO as the root cause of all that ails your relationship. For instance, pushers tend to avoid addressing relationship issues, which can make the puller feel like they don’t care.
Similarly, pullers tend to overthink, which can make the pusher feel that they’re too overbearing. It helps to recognize that neither partner is the problem here. The push-pull behaviour is. By focusing on the real problem, you become better poised to understand that you need to change your relationship dynamics and not your partner per se.
Inculcate empathy
If you want to free yourself of this toxicity without going through a push-pull relationship breakup, empathy is your best friend. Once you’ve recognized that you’re either a pusher or puller in the relationship, take baby steps toward understanding your partner.
What are the underlying issues triggering their behaviour patterns? What are their fear and vulnerabilities? Which past experiences have contributed to them developing these tendencies?
Given that you’re dealing with your share of issues, empathizing with your partner shouldn’t be hard. Once you do, you must help each other overcome these insecurities, fears, and poor attachment styles.
Acknowledge the cost of push-pull dynamics
You may be addicted to push-pull relationships but you know that this hot and cold dance is costing you dearly. In terms of your mental health that is. Stress, anxiety, alienation, confusion, frustration, fear, and anger become a constant in your life when you’re caught in such unhealthy relationship dynamics.
Acknowledging these costs can help you see clearly that you need to make a change for the better. Unless you’re in a push-pull relationship with a narcissist, there is always hope to correct course.
Respect your differences
The opposing attachment styles and relationship needs are at the core of a push-pull relationship. For instance, a puller may want to discuss the relationship at length from time to time to reassure themselves that all is well and their partner isn’t going to abandon them. These repeated conversations can leave the pusher feeling overwhelmed. Often, causing them to go into withdrawal.
To put an end to the push-pull relationship cycle, learn to respect your differences. Make peace with the fact that you both are just wired differently and try to accommodate each other’s way of handling relationships as much as possible.
Distance isn’t a bad thing
For a pusher, some time off can be like a whiff of fresh air that can invigorate them. It also helps reassure them that they are not pursuing a relationship at the cost of their individuality. For a puller, distance can be nerve-wracking. It can instantly make them nervous and anxious about the future of the relationship.
However, distance and some personal space in relationships isn’t a bad thing. By slowly accepting that, the puller can end this toxic push-pull relationship dynamic single-handedly to a large extent.
If the partner who tends to withdraw knows that they can take some time off – be it a day or a weekend – to just be without being criticized or judged for it, they won’t go through the withdrawal-repulsion cycle whenever they need time to self-soothe. In turn, they will return to the relationship with a positive outlook, giving the puller the attention and affection they thrive on.
Work on yourself
Both partners in a push-pull relationship have more than their fair share of issues. Working on these to become better versions of themselves can make a world of a difference in successfully ending the push-pull dance.
If both partners struggle with low self-esteem, for instance, work on gaining some self-confidence. Changing the perception of the self can help in reducing fear and insecurities. By looking within and fixing the triggers behind this problematic push-pull behaviour, you can salvage your relationship. In case you’re not able to make headway on your own, you can always consider seeking counselling.
Learn to be vulnerable
If the puller in the relationship needs to learn viewing distance positively, the pusher needs to learn how to be vulnerable with their partner. A fear of intimacy stems from an underlying fear of being emotionally vulnerable with another person.
Possibly, you’ve had some distasteful experiences on this front in the past. That may well be the reason why you tend to close up and build walls to protect your most fragile thoughts and desires. Even so, you can turn over a new leaf by starting small and gradually opening up to your partners about your fears, apprehensions, past experiences, thoughts, and emotional state.
To make sure that the pusher succeeds in their attempts to let their guard down, their partner must welcome this openness with support, empathy, and understanding. If the person feels judged, they will withdraw instantly. This will only cause the fear of intimacy to be compounded manifold.
Create an equal power dynamic
A lop-sided power dynamic is the hallmark of a push-pull relationship. The power always rests with the partner who is withdrawing, playing hard to get, or distancing themselves from the other. The chaser – be it the one who pushes or pulls – is always powerless and vulnerable.
So, creating an equal power dynamic can be a good start for countering the push-pull relationship cycle. For this, both partners must make a conscious effort to ensure that they get an equal say in their relationship.
From small things like deciding how to spend a day together to big decisions like how much space and distance to accord each other or figuring out what qualifies as quality time, every choice should be a shared one.
Shun your assumptions
The way we behave in relationships is largely governed by our life experiences and conditioning. This, in turn, tells us how romantic partners ought to behave with each other. For instance, if you saw one parent walk out on the other without any warning, discussion, or intimation, it is natural that distance in relationships can make you feel anxious.
When your partner seeks independence and space, you may label them as uncaring, cold, or emotionally stunted. But what if what you view as ‘uncaring and cold’ is just who your partner is? What if, according to them, that’s exactly how relationships ought to be?
Being in a push-pull relationship can take a toll on your mental well-being and worsen the very issues that trigger these tendencies. Recognizing the red flags and taking corrective measures is the only way two people prone to push-pull behaviour can stay together without losing their sanity.
