Nearly every day, I meet couples in long-term relationships who express their frustration about missing the excitement of their early sexual experiences — those times when they couldn’t keep their hands off each other, and sex felt new, thrilling, and adventurous. They often ask, “What happened?” and “How do we start having great sex again?” For some, the quest for “great” sex leads them to consider cheating, opening up their marriage, or even divorce. However, before taking any drastic steps, I always encourage couples to reframe their “sexpectations” and aim for “good-enough sex” instead.
This term, originally coined by sex therapists Michael Metz and Barry McCarthy, encourages couples to find realistic and positive meaning in their intimate lives. Just because you can’t return to the early days of passion doesn’t mean you can’t create a satisfying Sex Life 2.0 that is as good as, or even better than, Version 1.0. Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a senior research fellow at the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University, emphasises, “Good-enough sex is often mischaracterised as settling or merely adequate or mediocre. But good-enough sex is actually pleasurable and satisfying without the expectation that it will be perfect every time, as sex is rarely perfect. It’s a way to approach intimacy with realistic expectations.”
Life as a couple comes with enough stress, so sexual experiences shouldn’t add more pressure. New York-based sex therapist Rebecca Sokoll points out that many people often have misconceptions about what makes sex great. “They strive for an ideal of great sex rather than enjoying the pleasure that comes from the sex they have,” Sokoll explains. “We frequently need to unlearn what we’ve absorbed from movies and pornography and instead embrace and appreciate what real sex looks like.”
Here’s what else you should know about good-enough sex:
Good-enough sex should be on the schedule
Predictable sex can be some of the best sex. Why? Because it allows you to feel more comfortable, relaxed, and able to enjoy the experience. One effective way to maintain this predictability is by scheduling sex on your calendar.
Eva Dillon, a New York-based sex therapist, notes, “The many benefits of a healthy sex life—greater personal satisfaction, improved relationship satisfaction, and a deeper sense of life’s meaning—begin when couples engage in sex at least once a week.” She encourages the couples she works with to schedule sex at least weekly, ideally twice a week.
Scheduling sex doesn’t make it less exciting; in fact, it increases the likelihood that it will happen. “Just as we plan time for what matters most, prioritizing intimacy in your calendar prevents it from falling to the bottom of your to-do list. Anticipation can also build excitement,” explains Dr. Rachel Needle, co-director of Modern Sex Therapy Institutes in Florida.
Additionally, small acts of affection—such as holding hands, checking in with each other emotionally, or sharing a laugh—nurture the overall connection that fuels sexual desire. Dr. Needle suggests enhancing intimacy and relaxation during your scheduled encounters by decluttering your bedroom, lighting a candle, playing soft music, and checking in with your own feelings beforehand.
Good-enough sex requires great communication
Communication is key, and not just during your fun time. Great communication is important with your partner before, during and after sex. “Communicate in advance about your wants and needs, communicate during about what feels good and what doesn’t,” Lehmiller said, “and communicate after about what you enjoyed and want more of next time.”
You can also try putting a fun spin on sex talk by creating “sexy time menus” and putting anything on them that would bring you and your partner fulfilment and pleasure, advised Los Angeles-based psychologist Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh. You can then pick and choose from the menu, knowing that no matter what you do, you will walk away from the experience fulfilled.
Good-enough sex involves the brain, not just the body
It’s true: The brain really is our biggest sex organ — and foreplay starts in the mind. Share a fantasy with your partner, read erotica to each other, watch some ethical porn together — you get the idea. “Couples who have good-enough sex use their imaginations to fantasise and otherwise maintain an erotic perspective during sex,” Sokoll said. “They learn to eroticize the moment, their partner, and themselves, so they can shift into an erotic state.”
Good-enough sex gets better with age
“The single biggest complaint older adults have about their sex lives is that ‘the old ways don’t work anymore,’” Lehmiller said. “What’s pleasurable and possible shifts over time — but that doesn’t mean sex has to become any less good.” It doesn’t mean you have to settle. Rather than continuing to approach sex the same way you did when you were younger, start adapting sex to where you are in life. If you’re creative, willing and open to exploring, sex can get better and better well into your senior years, especially if you’re already comfortable with your partner. Learn what feels pleasurable and ask for what you want.
Good-enough sex is whatever you want it to be
When you let go of expectations about what sex should be, you can redefine it in a way that suits you. “Sex” doesn’t have to mean “intercourse.” Regardless of the form it takes, enjoyable sex is rooted in pleasure, not performance. Dillon explains, “When pleasure is the goal of a sexual encounter, performance anxiety tends to decrease, and the potential for playfulness increases.”
Instead of focusing on how you’re performing, try approaching intimacy by asking yourself, “Am I enjoying this right now?” As long as both partners are enjoying the experience, you’re having good enough sex. So, the next time you feel that your sex life has become stale or doesn’t match the excitement of the early days of your relationship, shift your focus. Instead of dwelling on what sex isn’t, think about what it can be: good enough. This perspective can make it truly great.
Source: Ian Kerner/CNN.com
