How long had I been depressed before the days when I couldn’t stop crying? How long had the subtle signs of my depression been present before I began to wonder if I should end my life? These emotions had been within me for quite some time. It had been a long stretch of time where I was making myself small in order to fit in and feel loved.
Now, years after experiencing that deep depression—the kind that kept me in bed for entire days or left me sobbing on the side of the road after dropping my kids off at their dad’s house—I realise the subtle cues I had missed. These cues could have kept me from embarking on a long and lonely journey. Had I recognised those signs sooner, I not only could have avoided about two years of depression, but I would have also had many more years to live my life to the fullest, engage in meaningful work, and foster exceptional relationships.
Here are 4 unexpected signs of depression that don’t feel like depression at all:
Sign #1: You stop having opinions about anything
It’s normal not to have an opinion about what you do or where you go sometimes. However, consistently lacking an opinion can be a subtle sign of depression. Consider the meaning of the word “depress”: to repress or stifle one’s expression. Why might we choose not to express our opinions? One significant reason is the fear of rejection. We may worry that if we share our thoughts, others won’t agree with us, leading us to decide it’s best to remain silent.
A 2024 study published in the Australian & New Zealand Journal of Psychology found that self-silencing is linked to depression across various cultures and genders, with each reinforcing the other over time. The more we hold back, the more challenging it becomes for those around us to understand who we truly are.
It becomes more comfortable not to express our opinions rather than potentially disagreeing because conflict is uncomfortable. Many of us try to avoid it at all costs. But what is the cost? The cost is depressing our expression of ourselves in our relationships, which ultimately leads to the other person not knowing who we are.
Then we become the type of person who says things like, “I wish my husband understood me.” But what we don’t realize is that he can’t understand if we don’t express ourselves. We don’t even understand, accept, and love ourselves!
Sign #2: You stop caring about things that used to matter
Saying “I don’t care” may sound like indifference, but it often masks something deeper. At times, we truly have no preference—but when we do, and still insist “I don’t care,” we deny our own feelings. It becomes a way of silencing our inner voice, pretending our wants don’t matter, and excusing ourselves from discomfort.
We might use it to appear agreeable, avoiding outward conflict. Yet that avoidance breeds inner conflict, because the truth is—we do care, but we’re not expressing it. When “I don’t care” shifts from an honest response to a default habit, it signals something more troubling.
Clinical social worker Carol Freund explains that depression often severs people from their inner voice, creating a gap between what the body and emotions are saying and what the conscious mind is willing to hear. In that silence, “I don’t care” becomes less about neutrality and more about disconnection.
Sign #3: You no longer know what you actually want
This statement may feel very true when it’s coming out of our mouths or when we hear it in our heads, but it is another lie. Lack of clarity around what we want stems from our inability to express our thoughts and feelings to another person or ourselves. The inner conflict around what we want starts very early in childhood when we are taught the difference between “good” people and “bad” people.
Sometimes, the desires we have in life can conflict with the beliefs we’ve been taught about what it means to be good. This causes us to worry that others might view us as “bad,” leading us to suppress those desires to the point where we can no longer recognise them. A study from Stanford Medicine in 2023 found that about 27% of individuals with depression showed reduced activity in the brain regions responsible for goal selection, planning, and decision-making.
These functions are crucial for understanding what we want and pursuing it. When the brain’s planning circuits are underactive, it can make our desires feel completely unattainable. We think we don’t know what we want, but the little whispers of the heart are under so many layers of self-judgments that we can’t even hear them — let alone express them. Sometimes, when we can hear those whispers, but we think we can’t have what we want, we decide not to share those desires with others… or even with ourselves.
Sign #4: You start to feel everything is pointless
Feeling like we don’t have a purpose is another subtle sign of depressing ourselves. Without strong opinions, strong emotions, and strong desires, we believe that we do not know our purpose in the world. It seems muddled, but clarity is there — just pushed so far down in the depression that we can’t see or feel it. We are all here for powerful reasons in this world. And if you know you’re here for a reason but you don’t know what that reason is, you are not living your full expression. The continuation of that pattern could lead you into a deeper despair.
Researchers who interviewed adolescents with depression found that many described this exact feeling in their own words, using phrases like “going through the motions” or being on “autopilot,” as if watching their own life play out from a distance.
Communication is at the heart of our ability to live with an exceptional quality of life. Opening communication with others is important, but communicating with ourselves and the world is an equally important element of expression. When we are not fully expressing our thoughts, emotions, and desires, we are depressed. There is no way to express and depress at the same time. What will you choose?
