Loyalty in a relationship undoubtedly enriches the quality of a couple’s bond and helps them foster a strong, enduring connection. There are no two ways about it. Yet, incidents of infidelity, dishonesty and lying in a relationship are not uncommon. It’s not always a lack of love that’s to blame for these transgressions.
Partners stray despite being in love, they cheat despite having no intention of ever leaving their partners, they lie on the pretext of keeping the peace or not wanting to hurt their significant others. How can then one protect one’s relationship from these likely pitfalls and foster unwavering loyalty in a relationship? Described below are ways to keep loyalty alive and kicking in your relationship:
Stay faithful to your partner
Staying sexually and emotionally faithful is the key to a healthy monogamous relationship. Avoid the temptation to cheat at any cost. Once you cheat on your partner, it is very difficult for your relationship to survive. Even if it does, suspicion and disharmony will cloud the relationship.
While loyalty and faithfulness in a relationship are a given in the case of monogamy, what happens in an open relationship? In open relationships, there is no sexual exclusivity. In addition, you may develop feelings for the person who is not your partner. Such relationships may work as both partners know the rules. But nobody should get hurt – that’s very important.
Be very authentic
It is important to truly be yourself in a relationship. Being your authentic self with your significant other is the best way of building loyalty. Nathan describes how his marriage ended in divorce after 11 years.
“My ex-wife Samantha tried very hard to please me when we were courting and in the early years. But it became very hard for her to continue being someone she wasn’t. I too felt betrayed as the woman I married was very different from her real self.” Don’t be afraid to show your vulnerable side to your partner. This will encourage him or her to also open up to you.
Stand by your partner no matter what
Support your partner when adversity strikes. This is a crucial test of loyalty in a relationship. Whether it is a health crisis, financial distress, professional problem, or family conflict, your partner needs you most when the going gets tough. Ray recollects how he had an episode of depression and withdrew socially four years ago.
It was Helen who never gave up on him and helped him through the loneliness and isolation. Defending your partner to others is a telling sign of loyalty. When your partner comes into conflict with someone at their workplace, in your close circle or with a stranger, be ready to take up cudgels on their behalf.
Resolve conflicts internally
Healthy conflicts resolution helps foster loyalty and trust between partners. Stay positive and meet your partner halfway. Remember that it is more important to resolve the issue than to win an argument. Avoid complaining to a third person about your partner. It may be necessary to vent to a close family member or friend at times when you are distressed about your relationship.
But even if you do so, avoid badmouthing your partner and complaining about his faults. That is an act of disloyalty. Nobody is perfect, so building loyalty in a relationship involves making allowances for your partner’s negative traits.
Describing love, American advice columnist Ann Landers, wrote, “Love is…loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses.” Acknowledging weaknesses also enables you to forgive your partner when you’ve been hurt. Forgiveness is one of the pillars while building loyalty.
Stay committed to your word
Sticking to your word in things big and small is a key tenet of loyalty in a relationship. It could mean not keeping your partner waiting at a restaurant. It could mean something bigger like not abandoning them when they are dealing with a serious health issue. Never break a promise, especially when you know it matters a great deal to your partner.
A 2011 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology explores why people make promises in romantic relationships and why they break them. The study reveals that people who have more positive relationship feelings make bigger promises. However, they may not be any better at keeping the promises than others. To keep a promise what you need are well-developed self-regulation skills.
Loyalty in a relationship also shows up in the little things done every day like lending an empathetic listening ear when your partner is troubled. Or, providing companionship when they are feeling lonely and down in the dumps. By doing these little things, you can ensure that neither partner feels neglected in the relationship.
Be transparent with your partner
Don’t keep secrets from your partner. Making a habit of hiding something from your partner will build only mistrust, never loyalty. Honesty and loyalty in a relationship are like two sides of the same coin. If you are loyal to someone, you will not lie or be hypocritical.
It is dangerous to keep some secrets. For instance, if you have got into abusing drugs or gambling, you may try to keep it from your partner. But the effort of keeping the secret will make you feel guilty, which will affect your relationship adversely. The longer it takes for your partner to find out, the graver the consequences on your relationship are likely to be.
Be each other’s friends
Make your partner your closest friend. Always keep the lines open and be invested in improving communication in the relationship. Your relationship must be one of your top priorities, along with your work, family and children. Always consult your partner when it comes to major decisions. Cheer for your partner when there is something to celebrate.
Loyalty is a value that you grow up with. “It is pre-installed in a person as a value based on childhood upbringing and early social encounters. If you have grown up with people lying and cheating around you, loyalty will not come easily to you. You would not have had the right role models. You have to decide to be loyal. It has to come from an inner conviction,” he says.
When a couple comes to him for counselling after one of the partners has strayed, he first investigates why the partner was disloyal in the first place. Why did he find someone else to meet his emotional and physical needs? Did she find it difficult to reconcile her differences with her partner and hence turn elsewhere for comfort?
Only then does he suggest remedial measures such as communicating better, being more patient with each other, reinforcing each other positively, and offering warmth, affection, care and support. Loyalty should always be top of the heap in the relationship qualities you expect. You should never settle for anything less.
