Have you heard the saying that “Three things cannot be hidden long: the sun, the moon, and the truth?” This is particularly true when it comes to marriages and relationships. Over time, we learn things about our partners that we may not even be aware of. We become attuned to their subtle signals such as their tone of voice, facial expressions, body language, energy, and mood. I recall working with a couple (their real names concealed) whose marriage was in a constant state of turmoil. This is often a sign of eroded trust between partners. They would arrive at our sessions upset or offended over trivial arguments or disagreements. The intensity of their reactions seemed disproportionate to the situation.
They arrived at one session to therapy with the husband red-faced and enraged about his wife’s terrible parallel parking in front of my office. In turn, she spent the better part of the time ranting about his controlling and critical attacks on her. Good couples therapy is always looking for deeper, underlying issues that aren’t being acknowledged or expressed. And each question I asked her (and him) in an effort to understand them better was met with de-railing, subject changing, and gas-lighting.
The unacknowledged secret between them was the affair she was having with their neighbour. By the time it was actually ‘discovered’, both couples had separated. My clients returned to therapy and, in the end, walked the long, hard road of repairing the trust and communication required to stay together (according to the Health Funding Research Institute, 31% of marriages do reconcile after infidelity is discovered).
- Honesty and vulnerability are keys to a healthy relationship
Love is fed by the intimacy that comes with vulnerability and honesty. Writer and speaker Brene Brown, whose research has exposed the extreme value of vulnerability writes, “We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honour the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection.” Keeping secrets in a marriage is a sign of mistrust and a clear form of disrespect. It says, ‘I don’t trust you enough to be my full self with you.’ Translated, this means ‘I have one foot in and one foot out of the marriage’.
- Being real is critical
It’s unfortunate, but even the strongest love can fade away. This happens when we fail to bring our true selves to the relationship. Whether it’s a significant issue like cheating or addiction, or something seemingly insignificant like holding onto a grudge, it’s important to acknowledge these things. If we don’t, they can fester and create problems. When we avoid conflict or embarrassment by not discussing what’s really going on, we destroy the very thing that sustains love – vulnerability. It’s ironic that by trying to protect ourselves and keep our secrets, we only end up hurting ourselves more by losing the love that makes our relationship stronger.
- How to be ruthlessly honest in a relationship
There are two essential actions to keeping our love thriving and alive – one with ourselves and one with our partners. First, we become ruthlessly honest with ourselves. This action allows us to become aware of what we are hiding and sounds simpler than it is. Over the span of even one day, if we really listen to our mind chatter, most of us spin our stories to justify our habits. We tell ourselves things like, ‘I’m having that extra drink because I need to relax – you would too if you were married to such a nag.’ Or ‘If he listened better, I wouldn’t have fallen in love with someone else.’ or, ‘I hate it that he doesn’t make more money so, screw the budget, I’m buying that new jacket!’ Unless we become honest with ourselves, we don’t stand a chance of being honest with someone else.
Second, we must become willing, courageous, and humble enough to actually tell our husband or wife the truth about what we’re feeling, thinking, or doing that is dishonest. (Some people believe that telling a spouse about an affair will be too traumatic for the betrayed partner. This may be the best call, depending on the circumstances and people involved.) It takes a lot of personal humility to take responsibility for our secrets, lies, and betrayals, big or small. But the payoff is an eventual sense of safety, closeness, and true-life partnership for the duration of our lives together!