Some people never fully recover from their divorce. It doesn’t matter if they end up with the house, all the money, a new partner, and their entire social circle. In the end, these things don’t address the root of the problem: shame. Divorce often leads to feelings of shame, which can then turn into anger. People who can move on from their divorce take responsibility for their part in the marriage’s breakdown. They stop dwelling on the past and learn to appreciate the opportunities in the present. Eventually, they grow tired of being angry and can move forward.
High-conflict exes who are perpetually hostile may struggle to accept that a relationship didn’t work out. This can trigger feelings of shame, leading them to blame you for everything, even if they were the ones who initiated the divorce. This blame can extend to issues with the kids, communication problems, and even their health.
Does this situation sound familiar? If so, you need to accept that your ex will never get over being angry at you. They perpetuate a high-conflict interactional style that fuels seemingly endless litigation, custody battles, and unnecessary co-parenting drama. This is because they don’t really want to get along with you, as that would require accountability and personal growth. You serve a purpose: to be the receptacle for their shame. Now that you know you’ll always be a target, how do you keep out of the line of fire?
- Develop an effective communication strategy.
Hostile exes love to use electronic communication to criticize, attack, and threaten. Just seeing their name come in on an email is enough to trigger your gag reflex. Knee-jerk reactions to respond in kind, or fire back a lengthy self-defence are understandable but will inflame the conflict. You must develop a strategy to deflect the hostility and limit their access to you. Don’t respond to electronic communication more than once a day. If possible, wait 24 hours before writing back. Don’t hit “send” before you thoroughly read over what you’ve written. Delete anything that smacks of sarcasm or anger. Imagine you’re a reporter laying out the facts: stick to logistics and keep your feelings out of it.
- Acknowledge your ex’s experience.
We all want to feel heard, but high-conflict personalities are particularly sensitive to feeling ignored or misunderstood. Your first response to any communication from your ex must be to acknowledge their experience — even if you think it’s ridiculous. For instance: “It sounds like you’re worried that Ezra isn’t getting enough sleep at my house, I understand why that’s a concern.” Once you mirror their feelings and needs, then you can move on to your calm response: “Ezra’s well-being is a priority for me as well and I can assure you I’m getting him to bed at an appropriate time.” Remember: the issue isn’t Ezra’s bedtime. The issue is your ex’s need to be heard. Your validating, measured response is much more likely to defuse the conflict than arguing your point of view.
- Keep firm boundaries.
If you were the people pleaser during your marriage, it’s important to assert yourself effectively. Being indecisive or passive-aggressive will only make your ex-partner more upset, as they might feel like you’re playing games or behaving in confusing ways. It’s crucial to practice setting and maintaining boundaries. For example, you can say something like, “I understand that you miss the kids, and I miss them too when they’re with you on weekends. However, this weekend is my time with them, so please make sure to drop them off at the agreed time and place.” If necessary, refer to the court order. If you don’t have a court order, it’s important to get one. Verbal agreements won’t mean much to high-conflict exes and won’t hold up in court.
- Keep kids out of the middle.
Raising children with a hostile ex is one of the most difficult byproducts of divorce. But you must develop strategies to prevent your children from being used as artillery. If your kids tell you about the crappy things your ex says about you, many of which are lies, do not fire off an email setting your ex straight. Remember: your job is to disengage from the conflict. Tell your kids you understand that Dad is angry. Acknowledge that it must be upsetting to hear their parents aren’t getting along. Advise them to come to you directly with questions and concerns about you instead of trying to get their dad to do it for them. Also, try to stay calm when you talk to them about your ex; otherwise, they will go back and report that you seemed angry, which will fuel more fire.
- Develop coping skills.
Being a human target is traumatic. If you’re irritable, anxious, exhausted, perhaps medicating with Oreos and red wine, it’s time to develop positive coping skills! Therapy, journaling, making art, physical exercise, and mindfulness meditation are great ways to tolerate challenging feelings and build internal resources. If you’re feeling ragged, you may be interacting with your ex in a way that inadvertently aggravates her — for example, hostile body language, an emotionally charged tone of voice, or snarky emails. When you feel more empowered, your voice and body language will shift and you will be better able to deal with your difficult ex.
