Marriage is not a party venue, nor is it a fairy tale of “happily ever after.” No matter how deeply you love one another, conflict is inevitable—because you are two distinct individuals shaped by different backgrounds, values, and expectations, now attempting to merge every aspect of your lives.
Sadly, many of the issues couples argue about have no easy solutions, as they stem from innate personality traits. When abuse enters the picture, and children are involved, the situation becomes even more complex. The temptation to leave in hopes of protecting your children is strong, yet such a decision can open the door to even greater harm for both you and them.
Abusive marriages and children
The health of a marriage affects children even before birth. An unborn child senses and responds to the emotional climate of the parents. When a marriage is filled with pain, the child absorbs those painful emotions in the womb. After birth, the family becomes the child’s first natural classroom, shaping values and behaviours.
For instance, a boy raised in an abusive home where his father constantly shouts at his mother often grows up repeating the same patterns. A girl raised in such an environment carries deep emotional wounds and may later be drawn to men who resemble her father—seeking the familiar drama that reactivates her childhood pain, believing love can heal her past. In simple terms, children cannot learn to express true love if their parents fail to show it. Abusive marriages, therefore, leave lasting, damaging imprints on children’s lives.
Divorce and parents
Divorce wounds both parents, regardless of who is at fault. It brings anxiety, grief, bitterness, and a constant fear of failure. The stress weakens the immune system, leaving one vulnerable to illnesses such as high blood pressure and diabetes. Social ties also diminish, as blame is often cast even on the innocent party.
Friends of the same sex may distance themselves, fearing you could be a threat to their marriages, while those of the opposite sex may take advantage of your vulnerability. Spiritually, it is vital to remember that God is the author of marriage, and His design is that it remains unbroken. To dissolve it is to go against His will. Scripture makes it clear: God hates divorce, and so must we.
Divorce and children
Children from divorced homes have great emotional trauma because they are deprived of the love of one of their parents. They lose their self-confidence and the ability to relate to others properly. They tend to be poor performers and become prone to behavioural problems like sexual promiscuity, substance abuse and robbery. When a child from a divorced home marries, he or she has a 75 per cent chance that his or her marriage will collapse. Divorce, therefore, harms the partners, their children and society. It has never been a solution but the problem.
Many leave their marriages needlessly today. About 90 per cent of partners who divorce regret and wish they had been patient enough to stay and work on their marriages. Resolve never to be a victim of divorce. Nothing will happen to you except what you put into your mind.
Will you stay for your children? Human nature seeks the path of least resistance. When faced with difficulties in marriage, the easiest option is to quit, but once you leave, it is almost over for you and your children.
If you remarry, you have a higher chance of divorce because your emotional pains spill into your new relationship. Our parents and grandparents were very wise. When faced with challenges in the marriage, they would say ‘mmofra no nti’, or because of the children, and stay. Do the same; stay on and work on your marriage. If you work on your marriage, it will work. The good news is that most of the time it takes one committed partner to turn a marriage around.
Let it be you always. Your partner can only react lovingly to your loving acts. Be everything to your spouse. Never let your innocent children suffer in future for your actions and inaction. Never make divorce an option in your marriage. No sacrifice is too much for your children. One day, when you look at your children who may then have made it in life, you will be proud of the sacrifices you made for them.
Email: jydboakye02yahoo.com.
The writer is the director of Eudoo Counselling Centre, West Legon. He is also the author of Your Guide to Marriage, Love Unlimited and The Journey of Love. Mob 0208181861
