LOVE. It’s often portrayed as life’s greatest gift—bringing joy, connection, and a sense of purpose. And for many, it truly does. But sometimes, love takes a darker turn. It stops nourishing and begins to consume, leaving someone hollow, driven only by a desperate need to feel wanted.
A growing pattern has emerged in the realm of relationships—one that mental health professionals recognise, even though it’s not formally listed in the DSM-5. Known as Obsessive Love Disorder (OLD), this condition is marked by overwhelming attachment, emotional dependence, intense jealousy, and an inability to let go—even when the relationship becomes damaging. Therapists see it often, and its emotional toll is profound.
Let me tell you about Angela, who fell into OLD through unrequited love. She was a 25-year-old when she met her 29-year-old boyfriend Heinrich while travelling and briefly had an affair. However, she was crushed when Heinrich suddenly told her he was not in love with her after having an affair with her.
She sank into depression and repeatedly wrote him letters. She said, “I sent letter after letter asking him to call.” After two weeks of silence, Angela couldn’t bear it anymore; she impulsively rushed to the train station and boarded the train to Berlin to confront him. Arriving at midnight outside his apartment, she was terrified and began sobbing uncontrollably.
According to her account, Heinrich eventually told her to sleep on a pallet, but when she wept “so long and so loudly” that he eventually came in to comfort her by having sex with her, and then sent her away the next morning. What she experienced wasn’t just intense affection; it was a manifestation of Obsessive Love Disorder, a condition where love becomes an all-consuming obsession.
What’s so bad about obsessive love, one might wonder? “At least they’re not cheating or walking away—you know they’re utterly devoted and will love you forever,” some might argue. Obsession is often romanticised in love stories, tied to passionate breakups, possessiveness, and intense jealousy. But what’s less discussed is how this same obsessive pattern—this overwhelming emotional dependence—can show up in friendships, too.
We tend to idealise deep friendships: the person you call at 2 a.m., your ride-or-die, your soul-sister or brother. But sometimes, what appears to be closeness is actually something more troubling. I’ve seen friendships morph into fixation, where boundaries blur and emotional control takes root. And when that happens, it’s not just unhealthy—it can be deeply harmful.
What I witnessed wasn’t just someone being “a bit clingy” or “overly attached.” It was something deeper. Something that mental health professionals call Obsessive Love Disorder (OLD)—and yes, it shows up in friendships, not just romantic relationships.
We don’t talk about it enough, but OLD in friendships can be just as consuming. It can start subtly—one friend always needing constant reassurance, texting non-stop, panicking when the other doesn’t respond immediately.
Then things begin to spiral. That person starts anchoring their entire sense of self in the friendship. Plans get cancelled. Self-care falls by the wayside. Personal ambitions are abandoned. Their world narrows to revolve entirely around staying close to that one friend—pleasing them, holding on tightly, avoiding any conflict at all costs.
And when that connection is even slightly shaken, it feels catastrophic.
I watched someone I deeply care about unravel emotionally because their best friend formed a new bond with someone else. It might seem trivial from the outside—until you witness the tears, the panic attacks, and the crushing wave of depression that follows.
They began questioning their worth, stalking their friend’s social media, and blaming themselves for being “replaceable.” They even hinted that maybe the world would be better off without them—all because the person they felt safest with was no longer as available.
This is not drama. It’s a disorder. It’s pain. And it deserves to be taken seriously.
According to mental health experts, OLD is often rooted in deep emotional wounds. Many who struggle with it have experienced neglect or trauma in early life, leading to insecure attachments and an overwhelming fear of abandonment. For some, co-occurring disorders like Borderline Personality Disorder or OCD may intensify the symptoms.
In more severe cases, distorted beliefs—like those found in erotomania—can lead to dangerous assumptions and actions.
One of the most heartbreaking things about OLD is how completely someone can lose themselves in another person. They stop eating. They stop sleeping. They cancelled their plans.
They give up hobbies, friends, and even opportunities, all to keep someone close—even if that person isn’t giving anything back. Every decision becomes about how not to lose the other person. Their own needs, their safety, their mental health—all of that gets pushed aside.
I’ve watched it happen. I’ve seen a friend apologise for things they didn’t do, beg for attention, and try to twist themselves into someone they’re not, just to be loved a little longer. And when that love was withdrawn even slightly, they spiralled. They didn’t want to live in a world where they weren’t chosen. That’s how dark it can get.
According to psychologists, people with OLD often have deep-rooted trauma or insecure attachment styles formed in childhood.
Some may also be battling conditions like Borderline Personality Disorder or obsessive-compulsive tendencies that intensify the fear of abandonment.
In these cases, their entire identity can become tied to someone else’s presence or approval—and when that presence disappears, so does their sense of worth. The emotional toll can be devastating. Many individuals with OLD report suicidal thoughts when they feel rejected or abandoned. They may say things like “I can’t live without them,” and they mean it.
Their brain isn’t processing a breakup or silence like an inconvenience; it’s interpreting it as emotional death. But here’s the thing: this isn’t about being “too emotional” or “dramatic.” It’s not just a rough patch. It’s a mental health crisis. And as friends, we need to recognize that.
But there is help available. Psychologists often recommend Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) to help individuals identify and change harmful thought patterns around love and relationships.
Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), particularly effective for those with intense emotional responses, supports better emotional regulation and boundaries.
In some situations, medication can help address underlying anxiety or depression. But long before that step, what’s often needed most is for someone to notice—someone who cares enough to ask a question, to open a dialogue, to gently suggest that maybe what’s unfolding isn’t as harmless as it seems. Someone to say, “I see you.
I can tell this is hurting you. You don’t have to go through this alone.”
If you’ve ever watched a friend caught in this kind of emotional spiral, I urge you—don’t brush it off as “just heartbreak” or “a needy phase.” These aren’t fleeting moods or dramatic overreactions. They can be signs of deep emotional pain that deserve real support, empathy, and understanding.
Don’t stay silent. Reach out. Be gentle. Be kind. Encourage them to seek professional help.
Because behind the drama, the tears, and the late-night phone calls, there might be someone quietly drowning—and waiting for someone to throw them a lifeline.
The writer, Carolyn Tetteh, is a social media executive at Multimedia (Adom FM).
