Not too long ao, I received an invitation to write for a website for adulterers. Even as a former “other woman”, some of the articles on there shocked me!
I read the ones where cheaters explained why they chose to have serial affairs, and every one of them complained about a dead marriage. None of them addressed the central question: Why are people unfaithful?
Based upon these articles, it seems the vast majority of long-term cheaters blame their stale marriages for their infidelity with no insight at all about what has actually gone wrong in their lives.
That’s a main reason why people are unfaithful and have stale or even unhealthy marriages and relationships.
If you’re struggling in a dead relationship and have resigned to cheating on your spouse — or if you’re wondering why people are unfaithful to you — you can discover important answers all on your own.
Here are 9 reasons why people are unfaithful, that start from within themselves.
1. They refuse to see that the same issue will manifest in all their relationships.
So, if you don’t learn what killed your relationship, that same thing is going to keep killing every relationship you have.
Scary, isn’t it? So, figure it out and fix it before it’s too late. You can do this!
2. They don’t understand that all affairs begin in childhood.
All dead marriages and all screwed-up relationships — you guessed it, they all begin in childhood.
So, if you want to know why you’re strangers to each other in your relationship now, you need to know the childhood history of both you and your spouse.
Knowing your affair partner’s helps, too, if you have one.
3. Water seeks its own level, so to speak.
If you know that you’re emotionally unhealthy but you believe your spouse is fine, or you believe your spouse is unhealthy but you’re fine, you’re both in the same situation.
We tend to pair up with a person who has the same degree of emotional health that we do.
4. They are unwilling to look at life-long patterns that affect their self-esteem.
I didn’t know myself well enough to choose a career that would make me happy. I always chose to please my parents and struggled.
I built pie-in-the-sky daydreams about how I’d compensate by becoming a best-selling author one day. Crashed down in major depression when I saw this was, to say the least, highly unlikely.
I idolized anyone smart, well-rounded, and funny, who had career success and no money problems.
I didn’t have sex or have a boyfriend until age 32, due to low self-worth, career, and weight issues.
I was also primed by my BPD mother to be an emotional rescuer and “fixer.” My parents fought a lot and I had an emotionally unavailable dad who died in a plane crash when I was 12.
Meanwhile, my affair partner was an adult child of an alcoholic.
5. They don’t fix their issues in therapy.
With thumbnail sketches like these, you have all you need to read up on how these childhoods affected these people emotionally.
You might as well, anyway.
With a dead marriage or an affair, you will either end up in divorce court or end up in therapy.
In therapy, if you’ve selected a therapist worth their fee, you will be guided to do this very same work right now.
Be brave. Head the radioactive fallout off at the pass and just start now.
For example, researching about adult children of alcoholics on Google results in all the classics plus videos by experts in the field.
Jerry Wise, a relationship expert, self-specialist, and life coach on YouTube has a series of very good videos on how having an alcoholic parent affected who you are today.I also checked out modern references on codependency by life coach Lisa A. Romano, which informed me of the pitfalls of pursuing a relationship with my affair partner, in or out of wedlock
Man, look at my history. There’s so much to choose from. I started with books on problematic relationships like Victoria Secunda’s When You and Your Mother Can’t Be Friends.
I stumbled onto many sources on borderline personality disorder, especially those by Randi Kreger on how children and families are affected by a mother with this.
Then, I got brave enough to attack my own problems.
When The Married Guy came back after two and a half years, giving me the opportunity to resume and deepen the affair, what he told me about his time in marriage counseling showed me that I had learned more by the method I’m outlining here and made more progress than they did, aided by two therapists.
Feel free to roll your eyes but I was devastated by the breakup so turn to astrology, as so many do.
It gives you a roadmap to your thumbnail paragraphs as well as a cogent warning, if you look far enough ahead in transits, about the dangers you face if you continue to take the “Easy Affair Route” instead of the “Difficult Healing Route.”
A look at some of those outcomes scared me right back onto the straight and narrow path, pretty darn quick.
If you wish to use astrology as a tool, the one rule you need to apply is common sense. What is it telling you and does it sound like the truth?
Of course, you need to be very, very honest as you apply that rule.
For instance, when I first started snooping around in the occult pseudosciences, I received the message, both from tarot and from astrology, that I was very controlling and that I needed to stay out of power and control.
I felt wounded by that. Why, it was the wife who was controlling, not me! But a closer look at my behavior showed me how very controlling I actually was.
Poor Affair Guy. Unless and until I did some reading, some healing, and mended my ways, he would have been jumping out of the frying pan into the fire with me.
And I would have been telling myself what a “good” person I was!
7. They don’t take responsibility for their role in bad relationships.
The problems in your relationships — however many of them you have right now — are not just residing in your partner. You have some contribution, too.
Maybe it’s codependency. Or maybe you can’t recognize the signs of an abuser.
If you’re not with a narcissistic abuser, chances are, your contribution to the relationship problems is more than that.
8. They haven’t made the active choice to heal childhood wounds.
You need to choose to heal your childhood emotional wounds and actively work toward growing past them.
Start healing with Jonice Webb‘s “Running on Empty No More” to point you in the right direction.
9. They don’t realize how profoundly beneficial it is to do the work to be faithful.
Those of you willing to do this work are the warriors and the champions. Those who do not will be stuck in the cycle of being unfaithful in one way or another.
You are so tough. You are so brave. You can do this.
And you will reap the results: Increased happiness, the opportunity for a better life, and the ability to thrive.