Decisions, decisions …
Okay, so, finally, you have met the guy of your dreams, and you feel (mostly) certain your boyfriend is the one you want to get married to and live happily ever after with. How lucky are you?!
Before you answer that question — “Is he ‘the one’? — remember that while dating and falling in love is magical, taking relationships to that next level by getting engaged is quite another thing.
Choosing a ring, dress and date are exciting things to do, but there are some questions you really need to take a deep breath and consider ask before you decide to take the enormous step of getting engaged to consider what marriage — not just the wedding — with this man will really look like.
Take a quiet few moments to yourself and be completely honest when answering these eight questions before deciding he’s “the one.”
1. Is he the one — or do you just want him to be?
When we were on our honeymoon, I asked my now ex-husband what was the magic thing that brought us together. He responded, “Timing.”
I was horrified. How terribly unromantic.
Looking back, though, I see the truth in what he said. We were 27 years old, our friends were all getting married, we wanted to have kids, and we had been together for 3 years. So, what did we do? We got married and had kids.
In retrospect, I now know that he was not the one for me, but he was the guy I was with when I was ready to get married. I loved him and he was great but he probably wasn’t the best long-term partner for me.
So, take a moment and think about this.
Is your guy the guy of your dreams, or is he the guy who is in your life right now? The distinction is very important because if he is just the guy in your life right now he just might not be “the one.”
2. Can you imagine being with this guy — and only this guy — forever?
It’s important to remember that once you’ve decided your guy is “the one” and you settle down to have a life together, you will, most likely, never have sex with another person for the rest of your life.
Can you picture that? Is the sex that you are having now enough to sustain you forever?
Sex is an important part of sustaining a healthy relationship, and if your sex life is lacking now, I can promise you that without some sustained effort, it’s not going to get better as time goes on.
So, if your sex life is at all not what you want it to be, decide if that’s good enough or if it can be changed. If it’s not, then your guy might not be “the one.”
3. Do you like him just the way he is?
I remember when I started living with my ex that there were some things about him that I found frustrating. Appearances were very important to him. He drank too much. He would start projects that he wouldn’t finish. He wasn’t entirely truthful with his mother during their weekly phone conversations.
But those things didn’t really bother me. I figured that I would get used to them in time or that I would be able to fix them.
That didn’t happen.
Things that frustrated me about my ex, in the beginning, became full-blown issues as the years went by. I was so sure that I could fix him and I just couldn’t. He was who he was and that wasn’t going to change.
So, if you think that you can fix your man, think again. If you don’t like your man just the way he is, the way he will always be, then he is not “the one.”
4. Can you picture a happy holiday with his family?
I want you to think about Thanksgivings, Christmases, birthdays, and the Fourth of July. Can you picture spending at least a few of those holidays with your guy’s family for the rest of your life?
I struggled with my ex’s family. They were very different from me, and those differences were apparent to all of us from the very beginning. But when you are young and in love, those things don’t matter.
Those things, however, ultimately tore my marriage apart.
His family comes with your relationship and that won’t ever change. So, if you struggle with your partner’s family for any reason at all, think long and hard before you decide he is “the one.”
5. Do you agree on things that are important to you?
For many of us who are seeking love, we find ourselves attracted to people who are the opposite of ourselves.
Finding someone who is different from you is almost exotic, captivating in the mysteries of why this person is the way he is. And that is very exciting. At first.
People in healthy relationships agree on things that are very important to them. For me, honesty was very important to me. For my ex, honesty was optional. He loved to listen to music and go to parties. I was a homebody. He wanted a vegetarian diet and I was a devout meat-eater.
In the beginning, we worked around our differences but, as time went on, they begin to wear on the fabric of our relationship. The excitement of the different faded and left us both unhappy.
So, if you and your guy don’t agree on what’s important to you, he might not be “the one.”
6. Can you be honest with him?
The number one most important quality in a healthy relationship is honesty.
Honesty means telling someone that you are unhappy, telling someone that your needs aren’t being met, and telling someone that your finances are not what they should be or that your kid got in trouble at school.
Without honesty, there can’t be trust and without trust, relationships fall apart.
So, can you be honest with your guy about what is important to you, how you are feeling and what you need? If you can’t, your guys might not be “the one.”
7. Does he make you feel like a queen?
This one is a difficult one. For many modern women, we feel like we need to be strong and independent and we act like we don’t care if men don’t treat us like royalty.
We are willing to settle for men who might treat us indifferently or are inconsistent in their treatment of us. We figure that this kind of treatment is good enough and that it might even be all that we deserve.
But the truth is is that if a man truly loves you he will treat you like the amazing person you are. He will pay attention to you, work hard to give you what you want, and treat you with respect.
I know it might be hard to believe, but you really do deserve to be treated well and especially treated well by the man you love.
So, if your man doesn’t make you feel good, he just might not be “the one.”
8. Do you have any hesitations at all?
You might be reading this article because you think that you have found “the one,” but something in your intuition is telling you that it just might not be so.
Listen to your intuition!
Our intuition is very wise and can often tell us things that our conscious mind just doesn’t want to recognize. As a result, we ignore our instincts and do something that ultimately isn’t what is best for us.
So, if you have any hesitations at all, any little things, tangible or not, that are nibbling away at your conviction, don’t ignore them. Think them through and see if they can be addressed.
If they can’t be, then your guy might not be “the one.”
We are always on the lookout for “The One,” the fairytale happy ending.
So, ask yourself the questions above and be honest.
If your answers make it clear that this guy isn’t the right guy for you, let him go. I can promise you that it is better to be alone than to be with someone who doesn’t make you happy.
The sooner you let go of the person who isn’t right for you, the sooner you will find the guy who is!
And if you already have that guy, well done! Don’t let him go!