Some people have an insatiable need for attention. While it’s normal to desire the spotlight occasionally—especially after a tough day or a significant achievement—there is a limit. If someone constantly redirects conversations to focus on themselves, avoiding any attention on others, you may be dealing with a narcissist. Interacting with a narcissist can be frustrating, and at their worst, they can be truly destructive, impacting your mood, physical health, and self-esteem. Learning how to manage interactions with a narcissist is crucial for protecting yourself from their self-centred and potentially harmful behaviour.
What is a narcissist?
You likely have at least one self-centered person in your life, such as a friend who continually seeks attention and validation or a coworker who tends to dominate conversations during team meetings. When these individuals are taking the spotlight or consistently redirecting attention back to themselves, it’s easy to label them as narcissistic. However, it’s crucial to understand the true meaning of the term. According to the American Psychological Association’s Dictionary of Psychology, narcissism is defined as an excessive level of self-love or egocentrism. This means that narcissists perceive their own needs and desires as more important than those of others.
Narcissism exists on a spectrum, and everyone experiences it to some extent. It’s normal to feel more self-centred in certain situations, like at work or during an argument. In small doses, narcissism can be a form of self-preservation, helping you ensure that your needs are met and that you stand up for yourself during conflicts, without exploiting others or feeling entitled. People with a healthy level of narcissism appreciate their own worth and can maintain a balanced view of themselves concerning others.
High self-esteem
A positive self-image
Abundant self-confidence
A reasonable level of self-importance
However, when someone’s personality exists at the higher end of the narcissism spectrum, they begin to exhibit the negative character traits that make them a challenge to live with and relate to.
Narcissistic traits vs. narcissistic personality disorder
According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th edition (DSM-5), narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is an official mental health condition. That doesn’t mean every overly self-involved person you meet has a case of NPD. Depending on their position on the spectrum, a narcissist could display some of the recognized characteristics, according to Mayo Clinic:
Being preoccupied with fantasies of success and power
Regularly taking advantage of other people
Believing they’re superior to others
Demonstrating an extreme sense of self
Monopolizing conversations or meetings
Failing to recognize the needs and feelings of others
While these narcissistic behaviours make dealing with a narcissist difficult, their presence doesn’t mean the person meets the criteria for an NPD diagnosis. Only those affected to an extreme degree will qualify for an NDP diagnosis. According to the DSM-5, NPD is:
“…a personality disorder [with] a pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and a lack of empathy.”
To be diagnosed as having NPD, someone must exhibit five or more of the nine symptoms as described by the DSM-5:
Has a grandiose sense of self-importance: People with NPD often exaggerate their achievements and talents and expect to be recognized as superior without offering proof of their accomplishments.
Preoccupied with fantasies: Someone suffering from NPD often imagines an existence of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love that real life can’t possibly live up to.
Believes that they’re “special”: Because of their perceived uniqueness and inflated sense of self-importance, narcissists think they can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people and institutions.
Requires excessive admiration: Due to their “special” status, a person with NPD believes they should automatically receive praise and esteem.
Has a sense of entitlement: Narcissists often display unreasonable expectations of special treatment or automatic compliance with their wants and desires.
Is interpersonally exploitative: Someone with NPD believes the end result justifies the means and will take advantage of others to achieve their goals.
Lacks empathy: People with narcissism are averse to recognizing or identifying with the feelings and needs of others.
Exhibits jealous behaviour: People suffering from NPD are often covetous or project their jealousy onto others, believing they are an object of people’s envy.
Displays arrogance: A person with NPD often takes on a haughty attitude, looking down on others they consider inferior.
Depending on the severity of the above symptoms, narcissism often negatively impacts the sufferer’s ability to establish and maintain healthy interpersonal relationships.
And that’s the primary difference between someone who ranks high on the narcissism spectrum and someone suffering from NPD. It’s possible for a person displaying narcissistic traits to
Maintain a relationship: According to the National Institute of Health (NIH), people displaying narcissistic traits engage in emotional manipulation within their interpersonal relationships, but with support and therapy, they can learn to connect with others.
Accept responsibility: Someone with narcissistic tendencies can accept accountability for their actions, provided it’s tied to their self-image or self-interest.
Alter behaviour: For someone dealing with NPD, their narcissistic behaviours remain consistent across all areas of their life, whereas someone with a tendency may find the traits waxing and waning over time or depending on the situation.
Narcissistic personality disorder comorbidities
Regardless of whether someone displays high levels of narcissistic traits or is diagnosed with NPD, it can take a significant toll on them. Comorbidities include anorexia nervosa and substance abuse, and the condition is also associated with mental health challenges, like:
Histrionic personality disorder
Borderline personality disorder
Antisocial personality disorder
Paranoid personality disorder
Obsessive-compulsive disorder
Individuals who struggle with NPD or many symptoms of the disorder might consider meeting with a mental health professional to address these challenges directly.
How to handle a narcissist: 10 Tips
The National Institutes of Health (NIH) estimates that between 0.5% and 5% of the U.S. population suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Given its prevalence, it is highly likely that you will encounter someone with this disorder or who exhibits narcissistic behaviours in various settings, such as school, work, or family gatherings. Navigating a relationship with someone affected by narcissism can be challenging, especially if they are a family member or a loved one. However, by following these suggestions, you can find ways to interact with them while maintaining your own peace of mind.
1. Learn about narcissism
A narcissist often appears likeable and charming when you first meet them, making it easy to overlook their more toxic behaviors. However, they can become nasty, manipulative, and undermining as they get to know you better. To protect yourself, it’s important to familiarize yourself with the warning signs of a narcissistic personality, so you can identify red flags in a relationship before it becomes too serious.
2. Establish and maintain boundaries
Individuals with narcissistic tendencies often struggle to form intimate relationships. They may regularly violate boundaries due to their belief that rules do not apply to them. In any relationship with a narcissist, it’s essential to establish, communicate, and maintain clear boundaries. Be explicit about what you will and will not accept, along with the consequences for violating those boundaries. Once you’ve set these boundaries, be prepared for them to be tested, and do not yield. If you show any sign of weakness, the narcissist may exploit it to push back harder and get what they want.
3. Don’t react
Narcissists thrive when they believe they have a higher social status or when they feel in control of a situation. One of their main tactics is to bait others in order to provoke an emotional reaction, which feeds into their need for power and control. To avoid giving them this satisfaction, stay emotionally detached, like a gray rock. Don’t argue or explain yourself, as they may use your arguments or explanations to gaslight you or provoke further outbursts. Whenever possible, disengage. If disengagement isn’t an option, respond in a neutral manner until they lose interest.
4. Insist on actions, not promises
A narcissistic person often makes grand promises, including commitments to change their behaviour, which they rarely keep. This tactic is known as “future faking” and is simply another form of manipulation. To avoid being drawn in, express your needs and desires clearly and calmly. Make it clear that you will meet their expectations only after they fulfil their part of the agreement. By consistently following through on your own commitments, you can encourage the narcissist to take your agreements seriously and understand that you mean what you say.
5. Avoid direct confrontation
Narcissists often react negatively to anything that portrays them in a bad light, and they may become aggressive when they feel threatened. If you need to provide them with negative feedback at work, approach it gently by framing it as a compliment. Consider using the “feedback sandwich” method: start with a positive comment, follow it with the criticism, and conclude with another positive statement. This approach softens the impact of the criticism by appealing to their strengths.
In your personal life, try framing any conflicts around your feelings, not their actions. Use “I” statements to emphasize your own role in the situation. Instead of saying, “You hurt my feelings when…” try, “This made me feel…” so they don’t grow as defensive. They’ll likely turn the conversation back to themselves, but you might be able to instigate without provoking an immediately negative reaction.
6. Be respectful
If you’re dealing with a narcissist, try to keep the conversation respectful until you can disengage while maintaining your boundaries. Responding non-committedly to their opinions with a simple, “That sounds interesting” can help you stay on their good side without encouraging further discussion.
7. Practice calming skills
Interacting with someone exhibiting narcissistic traits can involve a lot of gritting your teeth. Save on potentially expensive dental work by practising deep breathing techniques, using a centering object, or focusing on the positives to maintain your cool. Remember, a narcissist wants to provoke an emotional reaction. Don’t give it to them.
8. Take care of yourself
Dealing with a narcissist’s toxic behaviour can significantly impact your well-being, affecting your self-esteem or subverting your own needs to keep peace in the relationship. If you need to navigate this relationship because it’s a family member or loved one, look after yourself and your needs. Take part in activities that strengthen your self-esteem and build self-reliance.
And try to establish a network of healthy relationships you can depend on for love, encouragement, and validation. Keep track of your accomplishments, so if the narcissist tries to sow the seeds of self-doubt, you have proof to remind yourself it’s not true.
9. Remind yourself that it’s not your fault
Narcissists often blame others for their shortcomings. When this occurs, it’s important to identify your own responsibilities and understand where they begin and end. This knowledge will help you stand firm whenever they try to hold you accountable for their behavior, which is their responsibility, not yours.
To strengthen your understanding, consider reading books or listening to podcasts focused on recognizing narcissistic manipulation. This way, you can avoid falling into the negative emotions they attempt to project onto you. Additionally, practising positive affirmations can help ground you in the present and remind you of your self-worth.
10. Know when you need help
Someone with narcissistic traits or NPD won’t become abusive, but it does occur. Narcissistic abuse can take many forms, including,
Verbal attacks
Physical violence
Passive-aggressive behaviours
Manipulation
Gaslighting
These behaviours can cause long-term emotional damage, leading to:
Low self-worth and self-esteem
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
Self-doubt
Depression or suicidal thoughts
Physical symptoms
If you start experiencing feelings of self-doubt or begin questioning your worth, it’s essential to seek professional support to help you cope. Walking away from a narcissist and their drama is not easy. Depending on the nature of your relationship, you may need additional support from a therapist, counselor, or coach. Seeking help is not a sign of weakness.
The voice urging you to feel ashamed is likely the narcissist trying to keep you trapped in their game. Asking for help to escape is one of the strongest acts of self-care you can undertake. Dealing with a narcissist can be exhausting, and you deserve to heal from the experience. Reach out for support so you can start finding peace and reconnecting with yourself. You’ve got this.
