Isn’t it ironic how the people we love most also push our buttons the most? Whether it’s your spouse, children, family, or friends, conflicts will occasionally arise. However, these conflicts don’t have to damage our relationships with these people if we express our anger in a constructive manner.
Anger is a raw, real, and powerful emotion that we all experience, and each of us expresses this emotion differently. When anger becomes uncontrollable, it can lead people to make choices that they later regret and damage important relationships. Knowing how to handle your anger towards someone you care about requires effort, but it is definitely worthwhile for the sake of your relationships.
Seven best ways to express anger at someone you love
- Communicate your feelings
It’s okay to express your anger about this specific situation, but also make it clear that despite being angry, you still love the person, especially when a child is involved.
- Don’t withhold love or care
Sometimes, it takes a while for the air to clear during or after an argument. In the meantime, keep doing what you normally would for the person you love. If you normally cook the meal or help with an activity, still do it. Suddenly, refusing to make the coffee just because you’re angry shows immaturity and only makes the situation worse.
- Vent in your journal, not at the person
Anger needs an outlet, but lashing out causes irreparable damage to relationships. Writing can be very therapeutic, as shown by a study published in the Annals of Behavioral Medicine. gives you space to safely express how you feel. Once you let the pent-up anger, hurt, and/or confusion out, you can usually think (and communicate) with a much clearer mind.
Sometimes, writing a letter to the person you’re upset with can also help you articulate what you’re hurt and angry about, and why, but with space for reflection. You can edit and refine your points to ensure your words communicate the real issue honestly yet respectfully, and explain that you still love the person.
- Keep the conflict private
Do not express your anger, or the other person’s, on social media under any circumstances. If you usually share everything on social media, refrain from doing so this time. Respect the privacy of your relationship. This demonstrates to your loved one that you respect what’s happening between the two of you, value them and their dignity, and won’t expose their mistakes to public judgment.
5. Offer small gestures of kindness
Break the tension between you by doing something small, like watching the TV show you know the other person wants to watch (even if you don’t like it). Do this without resentment. After all, you love this person and want them to know it.
- Hear the other person out
Your point of view is not the only perspective to consider in this situation. Ask the person you’re angry with to share what’s going on for them. Create a safe space where they can be honest about the situation so you can understand both sides of the story, as shown in research by Barbara Mae Gayle.
As Dr. Phil says, “No matter how flat you make a pancake, it’s always got two sides.” So, seek out their side and then be quiet and truly listen when they speak (even when you see things differently).
7. Hug it out
This may be the most challenging gesture to perform. However, after all the conversation, writing, and listening, if you are able to give a genuine hug, then go for it (especially with children!). Nothing expresses “I love you (even though I am so mad at you)” like a real hug!
Ira Roseman’s study explores the functions of anger in the emotion system, it is important to remember that anger is just a cover-up for a whole basket of other emotions — like hurt, pain, guilt, shame, fear, or resentment. Once your anger diminishes (and it usually does), that’s when you see the real emotions below it.
Anger can mess up a relationship, so be careful what you say in the heat of the moment and how you manage it afterward!
