It seems like a no-brainer that people would easily recognize behaviour that is unacceptable in any relationship. You know, those red flags, those little behaviours that you see at the beginning of a relationship, behaviours that make you pause and wonder if you should take note of them or ignore them and hope they aren’t so red.
Those little red flags that, if they are ignored, can grow into big behaviours, behaviours that are unacceptable in any relationship. Unfortunately, people tend to ignore those red flags, rationalizing that they aren’t a big deal so that they can stay in their relationship, no matter how toxic those behaviours are.
Because I see so many people rationalizing the things that are happening in their relationships, I thought it important to put it out there, in black and white, five behaviours that are unacceptable in any relationship in the hopes that, if we can recognize how there is no grey area around unacceptable behaviours, we can find the strength to walk away.
Lying
In any list of behaviours that are unacceptable in any relationship I always put lying first. I have friends whose partners’ lies about everything, big and small. They lie about where they were when their partner couldn’t reach them. They lie about whether they are able to tell others or their family about their relationship with you. They lie when asked a question that makes them feel uncomfortable. They lie to their kids when they ask them why they drink so much and don’t like spending them with them, and the list keeps going on and on.
At first, it might be that difficult to recognize those lies, because you loved and trusted him to be honest with you. Everyone stretches the truth sometimes. But, as time goes on, you start to notice how regularly your partner lies to you and to everyone else. They would lie about all sorts of things, big and small. Some of the lies were very damaging, some of them not so much. So, it might seem like a small thing, but lying is unacceptable behaviour in any relationship.
Physical abuse
While this behaviour might seem more obvious, invisible physical abuse is present in more relationships than you might think according to statistics compiled by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, one in four women and one in nine men are victims of domestic violence in the United States.
The image of the abusive husband and the battered wife, one propagated on TV and in the movies, is, unfortunately, the reality for many women, and men, in this country. For many people, unless the physical abuse they suffer from is as bad as the abuse that they see on TV, they don’t believe that they are being abused. That what happens to them is maybe a mistake or something that isn’t a big deal.
Truth be told, physical abuse doesn’t have to be the stereotype that we see on TV. Physical abuse can present itself in many ways, big and small. Common, well-known examples of physical abuse are: shaking, burning, choking, hair-pulling, hitting, slapping, kicking, and any type of harm with a weapon like a knife or a gun.
More surprising examples of physical abuse are small things: grabbing someone by the arm, pushing, throwing things, non-consensual rough sex, and any kind of intimidation by strength. So, take a good hard look at your relationship. Are there any signs of abuse, big or small? If there are, consider leaving. Physical abuse or intimidation is a behaviour that is unacceptable in any relationship.
Verbal abuse
Everyone fights, right? Relationships are tough and people don’t always agree, so they fight. And, sometimes, those fights escalate and there is yelling and door slamming. They are not fun, fights, but they do happen. The important thing to take note of is whether your fighting has gone beyond yelling when it has gone to a dark place of verbal abuse. Verbal abuse can be hard to spot. Below are some examples so that you can ascertain whether it is present in your relationship.
Examples of verbal abuse:
Name-calling
Condescension
Manipulation
Criticism
Demeaning comments
Threats,
Blame
Accusations
Withholding
Gaslighting
So, you can see that verbal abuse goes way beyond fighting. Verbal abuse involves attacking the other person in a way that is destructive, often manipulatively so. Verbal abuse is unacceptable in any relationship. Is it present in yours?
Emotional abuse
Another thing that is unacceptable in any relationship is emotional abuse. And, unfortunately, emotional abuse is extremely hard to recognize. I know someone who is in a very volatile relationship. It is a relationship that involves extreme ups and downs — where he treats her like a queen and she feels very loved, and then something goes wrong and she starts to pull away and he turns into a completely different person.
Instead of being kind and loving, her boyfriend becomes emotionally abusive. He attacks her self-worth and criticizes every piece of her. He rips her apart for who she is and then disappears, not responding to her texts asking him where he has gone. He gaslights her, blaming her for everything that is wrong in their relationship. And he blasts her for how hard she works and that all she cares about is money.
When your partner controls your appearance when they monitor your conversations when they separate you from your family and friends, when they ask you to do things that they know you would never do otherwise, and when they demean the things you do and who you are in the world.
Emotional abuse can be very hard to spot, especially if it has been happening for a while because the abused has been so broken down that they can’t see that what is happening is something that they don’t deserve and is unacceptable. Are there any signs of emotional abuse in your relationship? Dig deep, ask your friends, and reflect on how things used to be. Only then might you be able to see it.
Ghosting
For those of you who don’t know, ghosting is when someone just disappears. Usually, it involves doing so via text but it can also mean the physical disappearance from one’s life, even if it’s just temporary.
Ghosting is one of those behaviours that is unacceptable in any relationship. Ghosting has been made much easier because of the advent of texting and interacting on social media. It’s easy for someone to disappear in the middle of a conversation or after a first date because they can just delete that person from their phone and never see them again.
And that kind of disappearing can be very painful and often can often leave someone questioning who they are in the world and why someone, or even everyone, abandons them.
Ironically, if someone ghosts you, it might be the best thing that could happen to you.
