Congratulations, you’ve worked up the courage to ask that special someone out, and they’ve said yes. Now comes the really hard part: planning your first date. I’ve put together these great first date tips to get send you on your way.
I know this can be super nerve-wracking. You want to plan your date to make sure you have a great time and show how much you’re interested. But you also don’t want to look like you’re trying too hard or investing a lot in something that may not work out.
Choose the Right First Date Location
The location you choose sets the tone for your date. Unless you already know what types of activities your date likes, it’s best to pick a neutral, low-pressure place where you can focus on getting to know each other and figuring out how well you connect.
The last thing you want to do is go to a nice restaurant and discover before your food even has been brought out that you two don’t “click” and it’s not going to work. In this scenario, you have stuck for the rest of the meal anyway.
Instead of dinner and a movie, suggest trying a local bar or a hip new coffee shop instead. The casual environment serves as a convenient space to have an engaging conversation, without the pressure of dressing fancy or buying an expensive meal.
If it feels uncomfortable, you can leave after the first drink. Or better, if you hit it off, you have the freedom to continue your date for as long as you both like. Plus, the bustle of people around you is enough to make extroverts feel at home–their brains thrive in busy environments–without overwhelming introverts who prefer more intimate settings.
Prepare for an Engaging Conversation
If you’re quiet or have social anxiety, the most nerve-wracking part of going on a first date is trying to have an engaging conversation with someone you barely know. Luckily, psychologists have discovered some keys to the perfect dating conversations.
Studies show that if you’re going on a date–especially with a woman–you should forget the cheesy pick-up lines and opt for an interesting conversation starter instead. Women tend to rate empty compliments and failed attempts at humour poorly. They are more attracted to dates who spark conversation topics that show they are curious, intelligent, and cultured.
Also, the key to a successful conversation in any context–especially when you’re trying to “wow” someone–is reciprocity. When someone shares something about themselves or asks you a question, always reply back by sharing a similar story, or by asking them the same question. It’s polite and it keeps the conversation equal.
One of the most important things to do before you leave the house and before a date starts, is getting your mind right. While you can’t control chemistry, compatibility, or attraction, you can make sure you’re mentally ready if they happen.
You need to get your mindset right before a date.
If we enter into a date feeling unworthy or defeated, those feelings will carry throughout the night. And no matter how much someone likes us and even shows us their feelings, it won’t be enough to break through our own self-doubt. This is why it’s so important to practice self-compassion before a date.
If the mere mention of self-compassion made your eyes roll, I get it. It’s easier said than done. Sometimes it sounds too fluffy to be a worthy endeavour. However, it’s been proven that practising self-compassion can have a tangible impact on our lives.
So, what does this mean for you as you prepare for a big date? Practising self-compassion can help you stop ruminating on previous dating experiences that didn’t go well. It means you can understand that everyone is frustrated by dating and relationships sometimes. It means that any fear or trepidation you feel prior to a date isn’t a sign of something being wrong with you, but rather an awareness of a feeling we all deal with from time to time. In fact, these experiences are things that connect us all.
In other words, sometimes dating is hard; sometimes dating is painful. But the really painful aspect of dating isn’t so much the experiences we endure, as the way we internalize the experiences. Rather than blaming yourself, feeling unworthy, or taking on a pessimistic view of the future, you can shake it all off and know this one thing: bad dating and bad relationships happen. But when dating and relationships go right, it can be life-changing. Embrace the fear. Allow yourself to hope for something great. And get ready to just have fun.
Learn From the Past
If you’re having a hard time getting past bad dating experiences, focus on what you can learn from them rather than dwelling on the negativity. Did you engage in unkind or unfair behaviours on your dates? Is there anything you could have done to improve past situations?
Take a look back at your previous dating experiences. What could they possibly indicate about you? Remember, this isn’t an exercise in self-defeat, it’s a chance to do some research and adopt behaviours that show your best self — the you that you hope your date will see. You have the power to put your best foot forward no matter what happened in the past!
Take a Deeper Look at How You Present Yourself
Understanding the way you present yourself (and thus how others may perceive you) is important both before and during a date. In fact, if you’re venturing into online dating, then the “before” stage is extremely important. More often than not, the person being profiled is shocked — never having realized that the vibe they intended to give was nowhere near what people were actually receiving.
This can happen to any of us. Just like on the show, one of the best things to do is seek outside help. Ask your friends to give you their honest perception of your online profile — or how you put yourself together in real life — and consider the “why” behind the feedback. Why do you think they have the impression they do? Why do you think that impression does or doesn’t match up to what you intended? Why do you hope to give off the kind of impression you’re going for — and does it match who you really are on the inside?
Whether it’s the words you use to describe yourself online, the pictures you post, or the way you dress, it’s important to understand the entire picture of what you’re putting out there. Is that picture truly your best self?
Be Aware of Your Body Language
Taking a deeper look at how you present yourself bleeds into your date in the way you communicate both verbally and nonverbally. In fact, your nonverbals (your body language and facial expressions) are perhaps the loudest thing you communicate.
I know it can sometimes feel out of your control — how can you be aware of your body language and still act natural? All it takes is catching known negative body language and tweaking it a little. For example:
If you’re interested in what your date has to say, don’t fold your arms. Tilt your head toward them. Lean in. These are nonverbal indicators showing your date that you like what they have to say and want to hear more.
If you want to know if your date is interested in what you’re talking about, look for similar behaviours. If their arms are crossed or their feet are facing away from you, you might want to change the subject. Telling someone you’re interested isn’t enough — you have to make sure your body is saying it too, for them to internalize the message. If you know you want to send a positive vibe, let your body do the talking for you.
Here are three body language cues of attraction that work regardless of gender.
Mirroring
Mirroring is when you subtly copy the behaviours of the person you’re with. So, if they shift or smile, you mirror those behaviours. A study by the Behavioural Science Institute in the Netherlands found that the more attracted we are to people, the more we mimic their behaviour. If you struggle to express your feelings, mirroring your date’s behaviour is a great way to subconsciously show them you’re interested.
Fronting
This is when you face your entire body from head to toe toward your date. Research has found that we subconsciously point our toes in the direction we want to go. So, if your date stays engaged and pointed toward you, it’s a great sign. But if their toes are aimed at the exit, they might not be behaving as good of a time as they appear to be.
Leaning
Whether you’re standing against a bar or sitting across a table, when your date leans toward you, it’s a clear sign they are attracted and want to be closer to you. The opposite is also true. When they sit far back in their chair or take a step back from you, it shows their discomfort with the environment or conversation. After you’re squared away on sending the right message, you’ll want to make sure you’re showing your date your most interesting self.
The key to being interesting is to be interested.
Everyone — and I mean everyone — enjoys talking about themselves. By asking your date questions about them (and continuing the dialogue with your own thoughts when there’s an opening), you’re showing that you’re interested in them. That, in turn, makes you more interesting. Being aloof may look good on a magazine, but is no fun for anyone in real life.
It’s not just important to be interested in your date, you should also show interest in the topics that come up. Curiosity is exciting! Someone who’s curious shows their innate intelligence and zest for life. So, if your date brings up something you know nothing about, rather than thinking you have nothing in common, ask for more information. Your date will be happy to divulge on a topic they like (and you ideally will return the favour), and they’ll see that you’re a curious person. This is a more attractive trait than most of us realize.
We’ve talked about the psychology of attraction before and discovered that one of the best things we can do to bypass the brain’s naturally short attention span is to be intriguing, interesting, and engaging. This will hold our date’s attention and we’ll likely be more attracted to our date if they show the same traits.
Do you struggle with what it means to “be interested”? It’s simpler than it sounds: just ask questions! Anytime the conversation hits a lull or you feel a one-word answer coming on, engage in further questions to keep the conversation moving.
