Many couples who face relational difficulties often wish that they could go back to the honeymoon phase of their relationship. During this time, everything felt exciting and intense, and healthy relationship expectations were not something that they had to think about. They felt consumed by each other and missed each other’s presence even if it was just for a short while. The feelings during this honeymoon phase were expansive and overwhelming in a good way, and it’s these feelings that they wish to reignite.
It’s completely normal to desire a state of constant happiness and contentment in your relationship with your partner. However, it’s important to acknowledge that the honeymoon phase doesn’t last forever. Instead of trying to go back to that phase, it’s better to adjust your expectations and work towards building a strong, healthy relationship with your partner.
Here are 7 things to do when you realize you can’t go back to the ‘honeymoon phase’:
- Create healthy expectations around conflict
Relationship expert John Gottman divides conflicts into two kinds: those that are solvable and those that are unsolvable. Gottman believes that unsolvable conflicts represent 69% of all conflicts. This means you need to deal with unsolvable conflicts if your relationship is to stand the test of time. One way of doing this is creating healthy relationship expectations surrounding conflicts.
- Be willing to work on your relationship.
Without putting in time or effort, it will be difficult for your relationship to last over time. This may seem obvious, so in that case, watch how much effort and time you’re currently giving to the relationship. Is there an area you could work on a little bit more? Perhaps one you’re currently avoiding, such as your intimacy?
Low libido in long-term relationships is common. And when you haven’t been physically close in a long time, it’s easy for intimacy to become a significant deal. Everything and anything that reminds you that you “should” be intimate: a scene on T.V., the way your partner cozies up to you in bed, or even just the mention of intimacy from your partner, can cause you to tense up.
- Continue to develop your identity while still being a team.
Many people believe that cultivating your identity is crucial for attraction and desire to flow. If you’re no longer sure where your partner begins and you end, you might want to work on rekindling your identity.
- Idealize your partner’s personality and behavior.
According to researcher Sandra Murray, those who idealized their partner at the beginning of a relationship tend to be the happiest after a few years. This idealization can take many forms, such as admiring your partner’s intelligence, kindness, or how they treat you by cooking your favorite meal or suggesting fun date night activities.
- Respond to your partner’s attempts at communication.
Healthy relationship expectations surrounding communication are paramount. When looking at the most long-lasting, strong relationships, you can see people respond to their partner’s attempts at communication. This doesn’t mean you’re brilliant at it all the time, nor do you never miss the mark. It means that those who respond more frequently to their partner’s attempts are happier with their relationship and tend to have longer-lasting relationships. 6. Be supportive of your partner.
Being a great support, whether in times of sorrow and hardship or in times of happiness and excitement, is crucial. If you’re interested in making your relationship resilient, look at how much you and your partner are willing to support one another’s goals, how willing you are to compromise, and what you’re both prepared to sacrifice for each other.
- Build a resilient relationship.
When it comes to making your romantic relationship last over time, it’s all about setting healthy relationship expectations, not going back to the honeymoon phase. You can still make your romantic relationship last over time without trying to go back. Finding “the one” and living together happily ever after is a widespread ideal, especially in the Western world.
But ideals are, per definition, unattainable. Looking to reach that ideal of constant euphoria and butterflies galore may, therefore, lead to a crisis in your relationship. Wanting an ideal isn’t bad. But believing it should be a constant leads to feeling like something is missing. This leads you to believe you shouldn’t be together anymore when there’s nothing wrong in the first place. Expectations are vital to cultivating a great, strong relationship.
Even if constant butterflies aren’t necessarily the goal, you and your partner can learn how to make your relationship last and thrive over time, with the reservation that what you’re striving for is a realistic idea of a relationship. Some researchers, like John Gottman, call this “striving towards a good enough marriage.” And, in reality, that’s perhaps where you should attempt to set the bar, at least for every day.
A strong and healthy relationship is one that lasts for years or even decades, yet still maintains the same level of excitement and enjoyment as it did in the beginning. To ensure a lasting relationship, it’s important to consistently reevaluate your ideas and attitudes, and to maintain realistic expectations of yourself, your partner, and the relationship as a whole. It’s essential to ask yourself why you desire certain things, and to determine whether those goals are desirable in every situation.
